Adrift in my coracle

May 11, 2013 marked the end of a wonderful, fulfilling season of life. I graduated (with honors I might add) from the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary with a Master of Arts in Christian Ministry. This dream-come-true could never have never happened without the support of my hubby - David. I think he always felt a little sad that I didn't get the opportunity to go to college. We married two months after my High School graduation and marriage and motherhood took precedence over education. Not that I cared at the time. I was living my dream.

But dreams have a way of changing. I grew more confident. I embraced the gifts and callings of God on my life in new ways. The kids grew up and moved on with their lives. New opportunities opened for me and I took advantage of those opportunities.

So here I am - 57 years old with a Master's degree and no job in sight. People keep asking me what I'm going to do when I "grow up." I wish I knew. I've heard fiction writers say that they don't always know what a character is going to do until they do it. I feel like that is the way my life has unfolded as well.

My first class at AGTS was taught by a wise mentor/teacher, Dr. Carolyn Tennant. Dr. Carolyn reminded us that we must move and change through the seasons of life. She said that life is always in a state of flux and that we will never be able to "keep up" with the changes - it's best to just go with them - following the wind of the Spirit - trusting the good hand of the Sovereign Lord.

She told us the story of the Celtic monks who fully embraced this way of life. They would build a one person coracle and set off in the open sea with no rudder or even an oar to guide them - only a sail and the wind of the Spirit. She asked us if we were willing to take an adventure - to set off in our own kind of coracle and trust that somehow or another, we would end up in the right place.

And that is how my future feels right now - adrift, but not without direction. Though I may not be able to see how this chapter of my life will unfold - I know the One who does know - and I plan to enjoy the ride.

Was It a Morning Like This?

Oh, Mary of Magdala - was it a morning like this, when you went to the tomb - carrying the burial spices, the cleansing cloths and the new, clean shroud in which you would wrap your beloved Rabbi as you said goodbye for the last time? Did those necessary things feel like weight in your hands? Did you hurry to the tomb that morning, just to get it over with? Or, as the old song says, did you walk "with painful step, and slow?" Did you weep as you went on the way, or was your heart a stone like the one in front of his tomb?

Did you and the others converse as you walked? Did you make a plan? Yes, Joseph and Nicodemus did the best they could in such a hurry, but it was not good enough - even their seventy-five pounds (seventy-five pounds!) of spices was not good enough. Not for Jesus.  Were you not compelled to clean the blood and caked dirt from the pierced feet of the Man who walked everywhere offering hope and forgiveness? Didn't you have to wash those broken, bleeding hands that healed the leper, the blind, the deaf and the demon possessed? You must have wanted to wash the hands that blessed children and broke bread. Did you want to gently wash the bloody, bruised but beautiful face of your beloved Rabbi one last time? 

Did the sun slant through the mist like it did here today, or did it come with sudden, unbearable heat? (How dare the sun keep shining when the Light of the world had been extinguished!) Those dark hours on Friday must have been what your heart felt. Dark. Light-less. Hope-less.

And what did you think Mary, as you approached the tomb and saw the stone rolled away? Were you grateful? Afraid? Hopeful...that somehow, some way...

When you saw the angel, were you confused? Terrified? He told you, "Do not be afraid!" You must have been.

In that moment, did the flutterings of hope stir in your heart, or did hope come crashing in like a tidal wave?

Did you drop your burial spices in your haste to run and tell the news? The angel said it, but could it be true?

"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here! He has risen!" 

Don't skip Saturday

Why do we skip over Saturday?

The disciples didn't. The women didn't.

Hopeless. Grief-stricken. Crushed by disappointment. Confused. Lost. Angry. Afraid. Hopeful?

Those religious leaders didn't.

Smug. Victorious. Proud. Afraid?

Yes, we skip past Saturday as if nothing happened. We hunt eggs. We have parties. We smile and say, "Sunday's coming!" with joyful anticipation.

We skip past Saturday at our peril. Saturday teaches us that when we have lost all hope, we are not hopeless. It teaches us that when all our best-loved dreams are sealed in a tomb, there is something going on in there we can't see. It teaches us that when the death-blow has seemingly extinguished all light, the Light of the world is still shining. Saturday teaches us to wait. Saturday teaches us that it is human to doubt, feel hopeless, to despair; to feel lost and angry and uncertain.

But thank God, Jesus didn't skip Saturday.

Spirit regenerated. Slashing through hell. Setting captives free. Defeating death. 

Yes friends. Sunday is coming.

Holy

For the first time in more years than I can remember, I am not caught up in the church-world vortex of Easter weekend preparations. No flyers to hand out. No rehearsals to attend. No events to coordinate or volunteer for. No worries about how many people will come to services and how many services shall we hold to contain the CE (Christmas/Easter) crowd. No over-the-top egg hunts. No stage decor to arrange. No songs to prepare. All I have to do this week is be present in the magnificence of the Holy Week.

It's different for sure. It's sobering. I feel a sacred anxiety in my chest. I am seeing Jesus' roller coaster of emotions during his last week as the God/man.  His resolve as he entered Jerusalem for the last time. His sadness over those who could not, or would not believe him. His anger at injustice and oppression. His tenderness with disciples. His very real, very human grief over what he must suffer. His courage in the face of the most horrific of deaths.

I hear Jesus' words:
"My house will be called a house of prayer..."
"If you believe, you will receive whatever you ask for in prayer."
"...many are invited, but few are chosen."
"The greatest among you will be your servant."
"Woe to you..."
"Because of the increase of wickedness, the love of many will grow cold."
"Heaven and earth will pass away, but my words will never pass away."
"Take and eat; this is my body."
"I tell you the truth, this very night, before the rooster crows, you will disown me three times."
"Sit here while I go over there and pray."
"My Father, if it is not possible for this cup to be taken away unless I drink it, may your will be done."

This year, I'm walking with Jesus through his final days without the trappings of 21st century Christianity. I'm holding on to every precious moment. Someday, when (if) I am in the trenches of church ministry again, I want to remember and resist the temptation to go back to the old way of thinking. I want to hold on to this feeling of mystery and awe and the knowledge that this week represents the most shocking, sobering, thrilling and liberating event in all of history. The redemption of mankind through Jesus death on a cross, and the promise of eternal life because of his resurrection. Thomas Merton said, "Easter is the mystery of our redemption. We who have died and risen with Christ are no longer sinners. Sin is dead in us. The Law has not further hold on us."

So now there is no condemnation to those who belong to Christ Jesus. For the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed us from the power of sin that leads to death.

Avery Nicole

Early Sunday morning - on St. Patrick's Day, my newest granddaughter made her grand entrance. Avery Nicole Judd was born at 2:44 a.m., weighed 8 lbs. 1.3 ounces and was 21.5 inches long. She's the lightest and the longest of the Judd sisters so far. Her birth story unfolded over 56 + hours. 56 hours. That's a long time to labor in case you wondered. I never had that experience with my own birthing stories. They were much shorter (MUCH).

On Thursday morning Amanda's Dr. announced that due to low amniotic fluid, she wanted to start labor by use of drugs. The process began at 6:00 p.m. Thursday night. Friday at 6:00 came and went. Saturday at 6:00 came and went. Still no baby and very little "progress." Two worried Moms kept vigil. Friends and family prayed, sent encouraging texts and Facebook messages. It seemed everyone was waiting. By late Saturday evening, Amanda's naturally positive spirit was starting to wane. The C-word hung unspoken in the air. Finally, the Dr. felt Amanda was far enough along to warrant and Epidural. Though I never had one, or even thought they were necessary - watching my daughter-in-law convinced me that the epidural is God's gift to the modern woman. It is a partial redemption of the Curse in my humble opinion! Being able to relax and rest seemed to do the trick. In just a little over four hours, Amanda's cervix softened and opened up to allow baby Avery safe passage from her warm, watery world into this one.

Watching the birth process is one of the most incredible things I've experienced in life to date. Even though I did it myself four times, it still astounds me to think of how it is even possible. God was incredibly good at creativity. The whole process, from conception to birth is just pretty darned amazing.

Amanda's doctor is a wacky young Chinese woman with an infectious grin and kooky sense of humor. She kept us all laughing - sometimes a big shocked at her over-the-edge jokes. When the baby's head appeared in that bloody, liquid oval, the Dr. played with her thick, black hair between contractions and gave her a faux-hawk. She said, "Look! It's a Chinese baby!" Two moms sat with apple-sized lumps in their throats and tears threatening to spill over and laughed at her audacity.

With the next contraction Amanda pushed that little head out into the oxygen filled room and Avery took her first breath on earth. She let out the first of many piercing newborn cries and we all cried along with her. She was slimy and bloody and bluish and beautiful. With the next contraction, the rest of her perfect little body slid out into the doctor's waiting hands where she was rubbed and suctioned and poked into a full-on wail. Daddy cut the umbilical cord and the doctor placed that squirming, vernix covered human onto her mom's bare chest for some skin-to-skin bonding. Beautiful.

I'm still in awe of the miracle of birth. And so thankful to have witnessed yet another miracle.

Giving Up

I did not grow up in a faith tradition that observes the Lenten season. For the past several years, I've dabbled around the edges of observing Lent. I feel like the truly "spiritual" people observe Lent - so naturally - I should...

I feel like a faker. I am a faker. I really don't understand any of it. I want to, but I don't. I am a liturgical wanna-be. So, I'm giving up Lent - for Lent.

I'm giving up trying to be one of the cool kids. I'm giving up cheap imitation. I'm giving up the need to look like I understand the mystery of redemption. I'm giving up pretending that anything I could give up would come remotely close to what Jesus gave up for me.

If Jesus calls you to it, please do give up chocolate, meat, Facebook, texting. Do it. But please tell me how you were changed because of it. Tell me what Jesus revealed to you. Tell me what you were able to embrace because you let go. Tell me how you apprehended the GRACE of God in a new way. Tell me how much joy you found in knowing how much the Father loves you. Tell me of the freedom you found in letting go of some simple thing. Tell me that you are SO free, you're going to keep on giving up that thing. Tell me that the Holy Spirit filled you and sent you out for ministry in power. Please, please tell me that it is more than something you do every year because you are supposed to do it or because everyone else is doing it.

I don't know what the next weeks are going to look like for me. Maybe I will give something up for Lent. But if I do, I hope in its place, I embrace the scandalous love, mercy and grace of Jesus. I hope on Easter Sunday that I am weeping for joy, dancing on the grave of the old me, and overwhelmed with gratitude that God did what I could not do by being good enough, spiritual enough, following enough rules, giving up enough.

Here they are again - the verses God is making real to me through memory and meditation. Romans 8:1-4 NLT.

So now, there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to him, the power of the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses could not save us because of the weakness of our sinful nature. So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body like the body we sinners have. And in that body, God declared an end to sin's control over us by sending His Son to be a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us who no longer follow our sinful nature, but instead follow the Spirit. 

Overwhelmed by Love

I've been preparing to preach this coming Sunday. My thoughts have been pretty well consumed with how to communicate all that is one my heart. My text is Mark 12:28-34, and the conversation between the Jesus and the teacher of the law. Love is the theme. Love is the focus. Love is Jesus in the flesh.

What started out as a call to the high cost of discipleship ended up being a crash course into the grace, mercy and great love of God.

One of the teachers of the law came and heard them debating. Noticing that Jesus had given them a good answer, he asked him, "Of all the commandments, which is the most important?"

"The most important one," answered Jesus, "is this: 'Hear, O Israel, the Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and with all your strength.' The second is this: 'Love you neighbor as yourself.' There is no commandment greater than these." 

I focused in on that ALL word. Of ALL the commandements, which is the priority? Love God with ALL your heart and with ALL your soul and with ALL your mind and with ALL your strength. Five times. ALL. Such a small word - such a huge meaning.

And then it hit me. I wasn't doing it. I wasn't keeping the one commandment that Jesus said was the priority. I couldn't do it. I couldn't because I compartmentalized my life. I kept parts back for myself. I didn't give him my ALL.

Fortunately for me and for the people in PeEll, I've been memorizing Romans 8. I only have the first four verses down, (well, nearly down anyway) The words came flooding into my heart, I believe right straight from the heart of God,

So now, there is no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus. And because you belong to Him, the life-giving Spirit has freed you from the power of sin that leads to death. The law of Moses was unable to save us. So God did what the law could not do. He sent His own Son in a body just like the body we sinners have. And in that body, God declared and end to sin's control over us by giving His Son as a sacrifice for our sins. He did this so that the just requirement of the law would be fully satisfied for us who no longer follow our sinful nature, but instead follow the Spirit.

The law - even the greatest law - cannot save us. Only Jesus can. Only his blood, his forgiveness, his grace, the life-giving Spirit of God can free us from the power of sin. This is why the teacher of the law was "close" to the kingdom, but not in it. This is why we cannot compare ourselves, or try harder to love God. As John said, "We love him because he loved us first." And demonstrated that love by laying down his life as a sacrifice. for our sin - my sin.

I'm undone. All over again. His love is overwhelming.

Not So Courageous After All

I suppose Courageous was a good word to choose for my One Word for 2013, since I'm really (really) not courageous. This minute I should be writing on my final project for my Master's degree. Instead I'm reading blogs and commenting on Facebook and texting a friend, writing this blog and doing just about everything I can think of to avoid writing that paper.

The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid after all this time that I can't do it. I'm afraid I have absolutely nothing to say - especially not 50-65 pages worth. I'm afraid that all I will able to do is regurgitate what someone else has said - and better. I'm afraid. And so I stall...

The pressure is on. I've told the whole world that I am graduating on May 4 of THIS YEAR. I don't have any choice really, but to start - to jump into the deep end of the pool. But here I am, toes on the edge, hesitating, trying to work up the courage to jump.

I'm in the process of going through a leadership assessment. I sent out a survey to around 60 people to give a rating and comment on aspects of my leadership covering integrity, courage, imagination, influence, and several other areas. As I read through the comments, one struck a raw nerve and I haven't been able to get past it. Under the heading "Imaginative" it said:

"It is hard to determine how much original creativity comes from Vicki versus what imaginative things she reads and implements. She is consistent in implimenting [sic] imaginative ideas, I'm just not sure to what extent those ideas came from a recent book or blog. Utilizing other people's ideas is great, and it does take imagination to envision how someone's idea could be worked into your sphere of influence, so that does take creativity."

I guess the reason is stung is that I feel that way much of the time. I don't feel creative or particularly imaginative. I admire people who are creative and often wonder how they do it. I just don't have that streak in me. And it makes me afraid.

I have this deeply ingrained sense of doing what is right and it drives me crazy when Pastors in particular, borrow someone else's idea, or even a whole sermon and don't give credit. I try to steer far away from plagiarism  but I'm afraid that I do it inadvertently anyway. How much of what I think comes from what I've read somewhere but don't remember where? Yes, these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Sometimes I think I should go away for about a month with just my Bible and see what kinds of thoughts flow out of that. Even then, could I get out of my head the ideas that have already been ingrained in my thinking from all the books, articles and blogs I've read and the sermons I've heard. And - a part of writing this kind of paper is research that must be incorporated into the writing. This is a very real concern to me. I guess I'll just be really conscious of citing sources and trust the Lord to help me in this.

I did have a very inspiring and encouraging Google hangout this morning with a young woman who is utilizing Social Media in her personal life for community and for her church connections. Just talking through her ideas gave me some ideas. Will they be entirely original? Probably not. But really, is there a new idea out there? Even the most innovative idea came from somewhere - it was expanded upon, or built on, or spun off of another idea. I've got to cut myself a little slack here. Really.

So, I'm back to my first memory verse of the year;

"Have I not commanded you? (Yes, Lord. You did.) Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (And whatever you do.)" Josh. 1:9

I hear You.

This Always Makes Me Laugh

There are laughs, and then - there are Laughs! 

There is the kind of laugh that starts somewhere deep inside and just comes spilling out - overflowing with joy. This is my favorite scene from the movie, Mary Poppins;

http://youtu.be/pOMqqI-kzHY

There are other kinds of laughs. Laughs that are not so funny. Laughs of derision, and disbelief. Laughs that are really saying, "Yea, riiiiight." 

“Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.

“There, in the tent,” he said.

Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:9-15

Sarah could have laughed with glee. Instead she laughed in disbelief. (I get a kick out of the discussion between Sarah and the Heavenly visitor. "You laughed." "Did not." "Did too!")

God wants us to believe that He has wonderful things for us, but sometimes the accumulation of disappointments create a cloud of dispair that prevents us from receiving His gifts with joyful hearts. 

When you read the Scripture about God's good gifts, do you laugh in disbelief, like Sarah? Do you think to yourself, "That's fine for other people, but it sure hasn't worked out that way for me!" Have you gotten tired and cynical after years of believing for something and not seeing it come to pass?

Take a lesson from Sarah.

God is true to His word - even when we don't believe.

Now, throw your head back and laugh - that, from-the-tip-of-your-toes kind of laugh. A believing kind of laugh. The answer to your prayers is on its way!

Things I Like About January

Sometime around the middle of December, I begin to dread January. December is so full of joy and light and fun and family. January is so q-u-i-e-t, dark, empty, long. But this January (so far) seems different. I'm really enjoying this one. I don't know if this year is different, or if I'm different, but here are the things I like about (this) January.

Beauty
Sunsets and sunrises. Frosted leaves and grass. Snow silently falling. Clear cold days and nights (there have been a few!).

Birds
I guess it is living here on the slough - but I've never seen such a concentration of birds - cool birds, not just your run-of-the-mill robins and chickadees. I didn't know there were so many kinds of ducks. Mallards I knew, but Buffle Heads, Coots, Wood Ducks, to name a few I didn't know. They are beautiful and quirky and all so different. Chris (our family Duck Commander) delights in pointing out the different varieties and helping us identify them. Yesterday a Blue Heron hung out behind the house. He/she was in no hurry - long neck turning this way and that. A Snowy Owl perched on my back fence long enough for me to get a good look before swooping away. A Red Tailed Hawk lives in the tree directly across the slough from our house. I watch him circle and land nearly every day. And just now, a Bald Eagle came rocketing down to pick up a little something to eat from the bounty of the slough.

Balance
I think I need January as a place to regain equilibrium and balance. The calm, quiet of January is a perfect time to reflect and recoup from the frenzy of the Fall months. Long nights and short days offer an excuse to rest.

This year I have no job to rush off to every day. I didn't have a long list of "new" initiatives to begin or programs to implement. I think this has given me time to be aware of how wonderful the month of January really is. Maybe next year, regardless of my employment situation, I will be more aware of the beauty and I won't dread it so much.

Things are not always what they seem

Well, I received a very nice, very open email in return regarding my questions to our potentially new pastor about women in ministry.

Proceeding with caution.

And...I may have spoken too soon

Yesterday my post indicated that my husband and I had found a church and were ready to commit (and submit) to New Life Church. Fortunately, my husband picked up some literature from the information desk on their leadership theology and practice. As I read the Pastor's position paper on the Elder Ministry, my heart sank. It appears (and I am still waiting for an answer from the pastor clarifying his position) that this is a male-driven, patriarchal leadership church structure. Sigh.

Many questions have surfaced in light of this revelation.

"Why can't we find good, solid Bible preaching AND an egalitarian view of leadership?"

"Is it because egalitarianism is UNbiblical?"

"If so, then why did you call me to ministry God?"

"Why does it matter what they believe about women in ministry? Can't I just attend and keep my mouth shut?"

And then I think,
I was happy being "just a" wife and mom. I could just stay home, read my Bible like a good girl, cook nice meals, go to lunch with friends, support my husband, post inspiring blogs and Facebook status updates. I could do that...

No. No, I could not.

I cannot ignore the call of God on my life to teach and preach to whoever and wherever He gives me opportunity.

I cannot ignore my responsibility to the next generation to be a role model of a woman who fears the Lord.

I cannot ignore the fire in my bones.

I cannot ignore injustice.

God help me, I must study, speak, lead - not because I want to, but because He called me.

It's difficult to ignore the voices of those who say I am not qualified. It is impossible to ignore God's voice.

A Decision

Well - we finally made a decision about our new home church. It's been a weird six months. At first the freedom of not HAVING to be at church was wonderful. We've done a lot of visiting, missed church entirely a couple of times and generally just did what we wanted to do on Sundays (and weekends). But I've known all along that we would have to settle in and make a decision - and it was a hard one.

We tried five different churches and liked them all really. The easiest and most comfortable choice would have been Columbia Heights where we already have relationship. But a part of this whole adventure was to make sure we were NOT just comfortable. I particularly wanted the experience of walking into a church where I knew no one and no one knew me. New Life is the only church out of the five that fit that criteria. We've attended four Sundays now and have even gone to Sunday School a couple of times and really feel that this is the place God wants us for now. The tipping point was the preaching. Pastor Tony is a Bible expositor. He just opens the word and preaches verse by verse. That was on our list - really at or near the top of our list. Today we went to the "newcomers lunch" and I'm going to go to the prayer meeting tomorrow night and the ladies Bible study on Wednesday. I feel like I need to wade in to involvement and not just sit on the outside. However, I'm far from wanting to be in any kind of leadership. The church has a choir that will start rehearsals for an Easter production next week and I think (although we haven't decided for sure) that we will check that out too. Might as well I guess. It's good to have made a decision.

But at the same time I can't figure out why I have this tiny tinge of something - I'll call it sadness for lack of a better term. I found myself feeling like I wanted to cry several times during Sunday School, worship and the lunch that didn't have anything to do with being particularly moved by the Spirit. Maybe it's a little fear or insecurity? So far I don't have any red flags of caution and certainly have felt warmly welcomed from the very first. It's just hard to put yourself out there I guess. In the last few years I've developed the tendency to hold back a little - not wanting to get hurt. Even though I have committed to begin attending on Sundays and am trying out a few things, I'm still very tentative.

So we're beginning a new year at New Life church. Isaiah 43:18-19 says this from The Message:
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands.

I want to be alert and present to the new thing God is doing in my life. I'm ready, Lord.

One Word for 2013

Inspired by the folks at http://oneword365.com/, last year I chose the word, faithful. It signified to me God's faithfulness in every area of my life, and encouraged me to faithfully carry out His call on my life. I witnessed God's faithfulness again and again, in part because I was watching for it - aware of it.

Everywhere we go these days we are confronted with words. Television, books, newspapers, blogs, Twitter - words are coming at us in overwhelming number. In a sea of so many words, having one word to hang onto is like an anchor. What a relief it is to just remember one thing, one word.

My word for 2013 is Courageous.

Back in April of last year, at our church women's retreat, our speaker took us through an exercise to discover the six words that described our core values. My number one word was courage. I don't consider myself to be a courageous person. Not at all. But at the time, I was embarking on a courageous step - the step to move out of my comfort zone and into a whole new phase of life. Really, it was the culmination of a lot of courageous steps - small ones, baby steps - that led to this leap. Now I find myself a few months into this new adventure and needing to remind myself that it takes courage (really - faith) to follow where God is leading. I cannot see much past the present moment. I need courage to walk through the next door open to me, wherever and whatever that is. I need courage to write and submit papers. I need courage to get involved in a new church and a new community. I need courage to explore possibilities for my future that are still fuzzy and not completely revealed. I need courage to simply be, to rest and not be anxious about the future. I need to be courageous.

My verse for this year is Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Good-bye 2012

I've been reading a lot of books recently on spiritual formation. One of the recommended disciplines for spiritual formation is the practice of the daily examine. The daily examine (or weekly - or in this case yearly) is the practice of mentally walking through your day with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to go back over the events of the day and invite God to show you where he was present with you and how you responded to his presence. Ruth Haley Barton says,

"Through the examen of consciousness, we become aware of God's presence with us even in moments that are tinged with regret  and we begin to believe, little by little, that nothing can take us out of God's presence."

Barton also says,

"...the real issue in self-examination is not that I am inviting God to know me (since he already does) but that I am inviting God to help me know me."

The end of the year is a good time to reflect back on all the ways God made his presence known. So, here goes:

January:
I decided to do something radical and so I chose the Daniel Fast to begin the New Year. I planned a 7 day fast (I had some events and travel coming up that would make it difficult to maintain and I didn't think I could do the whole 21 days...) I had the best intentions. I'm a bit of a legalist, so I decided that I would go the whole she-bang and go cold turkey off coffee. Uh, hem. Let's just say that was not the wisest thing to do. By 2:00 pm of the first day I had a raging migraine and was throwing up. I was SO sick. At that point, even a cup of coffee couldn't fix it, so I suffered through the day and decided that the Lord would understand if I just had a cup or two in the morning so that I could function. This told me a couple of things:

1. I had a real pride issue going. I really thought I could defy the laws of caffeine addiction and not suffer the consequences just because I was doing something "spiritual." Goodness. 

2. I really was/am addicted to caffeine...

Here's a picture of some of the yummy food I ate during the remaining days. I really did enjoy the fast and plan to do it again - only tapering off caffeine this time.

One of the reasons I only did the fast for 7 days was a retreat for Bethel's Women's Ministries leadership team in the middle of the month. You simply cannot go anywhere with these two ladies and be on a restricted diet. Not possible.

January also brought a joyous occasion - a baby shower for my daughter Tricia! Here she is with her friend Lindsay.

The day of Tricia's shower it started to snow. This slightly affected the attendance for the shower, but we still had plenty of friends, food and presents! Little did we know what was coming in just 24 hours. We called it "Snowmaggedon!" 

We rarely get this kind of snow here in Western Washington. The total ended up over 17 inches - a record at least in my lifetime. Even better - it got really cold and stayed around for a few days. Loved it!

February:

We celebrated David's birthday in Yakima at the Music Educator's annual convention in Yakima along with Andy, Amanda and the girls.

Andy's Middle School band was selected to perform as part of a clinic at the conference. A huge honor!

And then the surprise. Our Leap Baby.

Caleb Jimmie Asher - February 29, 2012

Here are the happy parents with their new son - my GRANDSON! :)

March:

March seemed almost anti-climatic after January and February, but we did manage to sneak away to the Oregon Coast for a few days during Spring Break. This is one of our favorite places in the world.

And this is my favorite person to go with.

April:

April seemed to fly by. I was thrilled to attend my first ever writer's conference at Mount Hermon. So inspiring - and the bonus was that it was for credit and my friend Corinne got to go with me!

April also included the Bethel Ladies retreat - always a fun and inspiring time with some of the most wonderful women on the planet. Here are a couple of my personal favorites:

May:

This was a month of big changes for me. On May 6th, I announced my resignation at Bethel in preparation for a move to Longview. It made for a long month of good-byes. One highlight of the month was sharing the platform with Amy Scott & Shereena Gering on Mother's Day. 

Our theme was, "In Her Steps"

Tricia, Bobby & Caleb came down for church on Mother's Day and we all went to dinner afterward. It was super fun celebrating Tricia's first Mother's Day.

The month ended with a wonderful farewell celebration. We felt so honored and loved. These people and this place (Chehalis and Bethel Church) are in our hearts forever.

Little did we know when we said "good-bye" to these friends that they were about to become family...

June:

June brought the end of another school year and the beginning of the preparation for our big move. We also managed to squeeze in a trip to Alaska.

With these dear folks

It was a fabulous trip. And while we were in Alaska, this happened.

Nathanael Judd & Kayla Rasmussen are engaged!

July:

Was a blur of packing and trying to find a house in Longview. It was quite the ordeal to sort through 28 years of living and trying to decide what would make the move and what would have to go. We did manage to take a few days of family vacation to Thousand Trails near Leavenworth. We were only sad that Bobby, Tricia and Caleb couldn't come, but Bobby's job was in full swing and he couldn't get away.

August:

The packing and packing and packing took most of this month. We found good renters for our house and a cute house to rent. I had a few anxious moments over the move of my precious piano. The professional I hired showed up by himself in an old truck, but somehow managed to get it loaded and moved in one piece.

September:

The school year started with warm days. We discovered a neat beach on the Columbia just a few miles from our house where we went to cool off. We also established a new tradition of walking around Lake Sacagawea on Sunday afternoons.

October:

David was trilled that I was able to go with him for the first time ever on a hunting trip to the Blue Mountains in Eastern Oregon. 

And we continued to enjoy beautiful walks at Lake Sacagawea.

There was fall beauty right outside our backdoor too.

My last class (hooray!) for my Master's Degree. 

And the celebrations began for the upcoming wedding with a bridal shower for Kayla.

November:

And then came Thanksgiving!

Our crazy clan. Poor Kayla didn't know what she was in for.

A Bountiful Table

Annice & Addie at Lake Sacagawea

Papa & Caleb

And finally December came:

The BIG wedding.

Handsome little dude

Two little princesses

Our ever expanding family

A really special moment when Nate & Kayla recited their adaptation of our vows.

Christmas was a whirlwind of family & friends. It was quite a feat to figure out where everyone was going to sleep!

But we managed and had a wonderful time. 

Many of the Ames clan gathered at the home place for Christmas Eve.

Grandpa Shorty with some of the Grandkids

Grandpa Shorty with some of the Great-Grandkids

Christmas morning is especially fun with little ones around.

And then it was off to our Christmas tradition - a few days at Leavenworth.

Caleb wasn't too sure about the snow suit...

Sweet little family

The A-Team

Last stop before heading home - Starbucks!

The year is ending much like it began, with a fresh blanket of snow.

The practice of examine helps me see God's presence and activity in my daily life. As I reflected back over this past year, it's easy to see Him in these - the happy, family times. But there have been other times and events this past year. Times not chronicled by photos. Times too devastating, heartbreaking and confusing to capture in a snap shot. Gut-wrenching times of questioning. But even there I see God's activity. Because I trust His goodness, I know He never once left me or my family. In fact, during those dark times - if it's possible for Him to be closer, I believe He was. I do not understand all the ways He chooses to act on my behalf, but I trust Him completely. And, at the end of the day - or the year, that is what I want to know more than anything. His presence - His nearness - God with us.

Good-bye 2012. Hello new year with new opportunities to see God afresh!