Adrift in my coracle

May 11, 2013 marked the end of a wonderful, fulfilling season of life. I graduated (with honors I might add) from the Assemblies of God Theological Seminary with a Master of Arts in Christian Ministry. This dream-come-true could never have never happened without the support of my hubby - David. I think he always felt a little sad that I didn't get the opportunity to go to college. We married two months after my High School graduation and marriage and motherhood took precedence over education. Not that I cared at the time. I was living my dream.

But dreams have a way of changing. I grew more confident. I embraced the gifts and callings of God on my life in new ways. The kids grew up and moved on with their lives. New opportunities opened for me and I took advantage of those opportunities.

So here I am - 57 years old with a Master's degree and no job in sight. People keep asking me what I'm going to do when I "grow up." I wish I knew. I've heard fiction writers say that they don't always know what a character is going to do until they do it. I feel like that is the way my life has unfolded as well.

My first class at AGTS was taught by a wise mentor/teacher, Dr. Carolyn Tennant. Dr. Carolyn reminded us that we must move and change through the seasons of life. She said that life is always in a state of flux and that we will never be able to "keep up" with the changes - it's best to just go with them - following the wind of the Spirit - trusting the good hand of the Sovereign Lord.

She told us the story of the Celtic monks who fully embraced this way of life. They would build a one person coracle and set off in the open sea with no rudder or even an oar to guide them - only a sail and the wind of the Spirit. She asked us if we were willing to take an adventure - to set off in our own kind of coracle and trust that somehow or another, we would end up in the right place.

And that is how my future feels right now - adrift, but not without direction. Though I may not be able to see how this chapter of my life will unfold - I know the One who does know - and I plan to enjoy the ride.

Exactly Right

We've been living in Longview four weeks now. Strangely, it has felt like "home" since day one. David said it today while we were walking around Lake Sacajawea (our new Sunday afternoon tradition), "This just feels right."

So what's so right about it you ask? Bear with me while I process a bit.

Where we were:
Everything was the same. Same community, same church, same house, same routine, same friends, same spouse (!), same everything. None of these are bad. In fact, I think a sense of rootedness and stability is a wonderful thing and sorely lacking in our mobile society. For us it was not that any of these things were wrong or bad, but they were extremely comfortable and comfort can make a person tend toward laziness and apathy.

Where we are:
We have felt this breath of fresh air blow though our marriage, our relationship with Jesus and our hopes and dreams for the future.

As a couple we are spending a significantly greater amount of time together; taking walks, working around the house, attending concerts and school functions. In Chehalis, I had my job and David had his and more often than not they pulled us apart rather than bringing us together. Today we had lunch with an inspiring couple from the church we attended. Bob and Mary have been married 67 years. He calls her the 8th wonder of the world. (She says he's the only one who wonders!) They were an absolute delight. If we stay on course with Bob and Mary, we have another 30 years to work on this relationship of ours. We want to be one of those inspiring and delightful couples when we are nearing 90 years old. I think this move has helped propel us in that direction.

We are learning to really listen to the whisper of the Holy Spirit again. It's easy when you have been so entrenched in the life of one church to let that involvement become your default rather than ever take any risks or move out of your comfort zone spiritually. I could have easily kept doing the same things I'd been doing. I was not unhappy. I had a wonderful church and (still have) wonderful friends, but we both feel that there is something new for us here. Our relationships in Chehalis are rich and deep and nothing will change that, but we feel that God is leading us into some new areas. We're not even sure exactly what that will look like yet - but we both sense it. Though there are still some questions about our future (like which community of believers to join), we both feel the reassuring favor of God on this move. We really feel like we are in exactly the right place.

This move has given us courage to think and hope that there are more exciting adventures in our future. Neither of us are big on change. The move was hard. But we did it and it feels exactly right and that gives me hope that there might be more ahead for us.

I want to live every single second of the life God has for me. I don't know exactly what that will look like, but I'm ready to live fearlessly into each season - come what may.

This is how it feels to be free...

OK - it's a bit of a joke, but really, free - that's pretty much how I feel right now. It's been just about two weeks since I had any responsibility at the church and I can't tell you how great it feels! (And yes - I mean that exclamation point!!!)

I wondered how this was going to feel. Would I grieve? Would I regret my decision? Would I long to be back in the fray of the church leadership world? So far the answer to all of those questions is a resounding, NO! (Another exclamation point!) I had a crazy dream the other night that I "forgot" I wasn't working at the church any more and showed up for staff meeting. No one seemed to notice, so I participated like normal. Then I went to my office and discovered that it had been painted with murals on every wall, and there were at least 3 people working there. I suddenly remembered that I didn't work there anymore. I laughed and walked out. It didn't even bother me that everything had changed. That's really how I feel. I know things are different now and (don't take this wrong) I don't care. I've shaken my head a couple of times at some of the changes I've heard about, but it just really does not bother me.

I get up every day with my own agenda and I love it. I may not love it so much in a few weeks when I start to feel the financial pinch, but right now I feel that it is a gift. I've been working hard on my writing for class (and I'd better get back to that right now...) and enjoying my family. I've been cooking dinner again (my husband likes that), I'm not spending nearly as much money on eating out and groceries. I've been exercising again and eating better. All in all, this has been the best decision I've made in a very long time.

Only God knows what the future holds. Maybe after a time I'll be ready to jump back into the church leadership world again. But so far I've loved just going to church (or not). I've completely entered into worship and engaged in the teaching. And when I go home, I take that feeling of peace home instead being exhausted and already thinking about all I have to do for the next week.

So Lord, what's next? Only He knows, but for now I'm going to completely enjoy this freedom.

C-C-C-C-Courage!

My life is about to take a dramatic (for me) turn in a new direction. After 22 years on staff and a lifetime of attendance, I'm about to leave my home church and embark on a new season. Last fall my husband took a teaching job that requires an hour drive each way. We wanted to give it a while to settle in to see if this might require a move on our part and so, as the school year is winding down - and the daily drive seems longer with every passing day - we have made the decision to move. Lots of people move. But not us. We are the Rock people. We are Giant Oaks with deep roots.

I've felt this stirring, this shifting, this moving in my spirit for several years now. It was only the job and the drive that motivated my husband however. He just couldn't see any logical reason to leave. Now we have one. Now the door is open. If we do not walk through it now, we never will.

I thought that was my greatest fear - to live and die in the same small town, to never experience life outside Lewis County. I've yearned for a move, prayed for it, actually begged God for it, and now it's here and I'm terrified. But not in the way you'd expect.

I'm excited at the prospect of a new church and making new friends. I've wondered what it would be like to walk into a church, into a community where I have no history. Will people like me? Will I fit? Will I have an opportunity to blossom and grow? Or, will people shut me out, and be threatened by the presence of a new-comer? These are the things I've heard over the years from people who have moved into our little town and into our church. Some, like me have come from a place of authority and position - a place where they were the go-to girl. They have complained - sometimes bitterly - that they can't break into the "clique" - that no one will let them do what they were called to do.

One of the things I don't understand about this move is that while my husband has a job, I have nothing. No new ministry position to step into. I feel that I am just beginning to peak in knowledge, skill and wisdom. I know the call of God is still on my life, yet I am stepping into the black hole called "transition." The very word implies a move into something new - a new direction, position or ministry. I'm afraid that I will get as stuck in the "transition" phase of my life as I have been in this last, long season. I'm afraid I never will actually "transition." I feel exposed and vulnerable.

I'm also afraid that I'm making a mistake. I'm afraid I'll end up like Violet Biggs in It's a Wonderful Life. I'm afraid I'll come slinking sheepishly back to Chehalis. "Silly me. What was I thinking? This is home."

I think that's why the word COURAGE has become my new favorite word. I'm not naturally a courageous person. I'm not a risk taker. But I believe God has opened this door and I'm going to swallow my fear and walk through it. I'm speaking Joshua 1:9 out loud over my life:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Because He is with me, I will not fear.