Was It a Morning Like This?

Oh, Mary of Magdala - was it a morning like this, when you went to the tomb - carrying the burial spices, the cleansing cloths and the new, clean shroud in which you would wrap your beloved Rabbi as you said goodbye for the last time? Did those necessary things feel like weight in your hands? Did you hurry to the tomb that morning, just to get it over with? Or, as the old song says, did you walk "with painful step, and slow?" Did you weep as you went on the way, or was your heart a stone like the one in front of his tomb?

Did you and the others converse as you walked? Did you make a plan? Yes, Joseph and Nicodemus did the best they could in such a hurry, but it was not good enough - even their seventy-five pounds (seventy-five pounds!) of spices was not good enough. Not for Jesus.  Were you not compelled to clean the blood and caked dirt from the pierced feet of the Man who walked everywhere offering hope and forgiveness? Didn't you have to wash those broken, bleeding hands that healed the leper, the blind, the deaf and the demon possessed? You must have wanted to wash the hands that blessed children and broke bread. Did you want to gently wash the bloody, bruised but beautiful face of your beloved Rabbi one last time? 

Did the sun slant through the mist like it did here today, or did it come with sudden, unbearable heat? (How dare the sun keep shining when the Light of the world had been extinguished!) Those dark hours on Friday must have been what your heart felt. Dark. Light-less. Hope-less.

And what did you think Mary, as you approached the tomb and saw the stone rolled away? Were you grateful? Afraid? Hopeful...that somehow, some way...

When you saw the angel, were you confused? Terrified? He told you, "Do not be afraid!" You must have been.

In that moment, did the flutterings of hope stir in your heart, or did hope come crashing in like a tidal wave?

Did you drop your burial spices in your haste to run and tell the news? The angel said it, but could it be true?

"Why do you look for the living among the dead? He is not here! He has risen!" 

Don't skip Saturday

Why do we skip over Saturday?

The disciples didn't. The women didn't.

Hopeless. Grief-stricken. Crushed by disappointment. Confused. Lost. Angry. Afraid. Hopeful?

Those religious leaders didn't.

Smug. Victorious. Proud. Afraid?

Yes, we skip past Saturday as if nothing happened. We hunt eggs. We have parties. We smile and say, "Sunday's coming!" with joyful anticipation.

We skip past Saturday at our peril. Saturday teaches us that when we have lost all hope, we are not hopeless. It teaches us that when all our best-loved dreams are sealed in a tomb, there is something going on in there we can't see. It teaches us that when the death-blow has seemingly extinguished all light, the Light of the world is still shining. Saturday teaches us to wait. Saturday teaches us that it is human to doubt, feel hopeless, to despair; to feel lost and angry and uncertain.

But thank God, Jesus didn't skip Saturday.

Spirit regenerated. Slashing through hell. Setting captives free. Defeating death. 

Yes friends. Sunday is coming.

Quiet

It's just David and me here at home these days. Our house used to be so full and noisy. Now the only sound is the radio or TV; the sound of my husband's happy whistle as he works outside; the scrape of dishes; snatches of conversation. But most of the time it's just quiet. I used to love the early morning because it was the only time the house was truly quiet.

So, why do I still love the early morning? Because it's a different kind of quiet. It's like getting to a concert early to get the best seat. It's anticipation (sometimes dread) for the day ahead. I like morning because the quiet of the early morning speaks of hope.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
     and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the LORD
     more than watchmen wait for the morning,
     more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Psalm 130:5-6

These Fragile Days

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Wade Lowrey, dead? There they were, the Facebook messages one after another expressing sadness and shock; yet each one laced with hope and joy. My friend Wade died last night. He was only 34.

Within one week I lost two dear friends - both of them under age 40. Much, much too young to die. At the same time, a tiny one week old baby is clinging precariously to life in a Seattle hospital and my 73 year old sister-in-law is living what appear to be her last days. My friend Jen at 83 is talking a lot about this lately. She suffered a small stoke a few months back and feels the tug of heaven more each day. I know she (not so) secretly wishes that Jesus would just carry her to heaven as she sleeps one night - I think it might just be God's humor to let her outlive all of us. 

I know that this earthly life is temporary. I know it, yet I don't always live that way. I've been thinking about what really matters in life so much these past few weeks. As I prepare to move from Chehalis and leave my dear friends at Bethel Church, I've weighed my words and thought much about what I want to say to each one. It's a little weird really - like preparing for your own funeral. So many kind words spoken. So many tears of good-bye. I'm thankful for this opportunity to say important things and to hear some as well.

This life is so short - these days so fragile.

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." These words were spoken by the Apostle Paul. We too live in this tension of longing to fulfill every moment of this earthly life that God has planned for us, yet also longing to see Jesus face. 

Until that day sweet friends. Live. Live every moment to the fullest. Don't waste one of these fragile days. 

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Well - here we are on the brink of another year. I just read my New Year's post from 2008. There have been some changes since that day. Here are a few:
Wedding #1 - Chris & Jana, June 5, 2010
Baby #2 - Adeline Rose, July 12, 2010
Wedding #2 - Tricia & Bobby, August 21, 2010
Ending of David's teaching career #2 in Onalaska, Washington.
Beginning of David's teaching career #3 in Rainier, Oregon.

Some changes, but so many things stay the same. I'm still in a job that alternately fulfills and frustrates me. (I suppose that could be said of any job...) I am still wishing and hoping for something "new". A new job, new house, new town... Yet at the same time a realistic look at those desires produces a nameless fear. I know (translate: control) the downsides of the old. Who knows what "new" might bring? So I stay. Some days I feel that it's the right thing - even the "spiritual" thing to do. My word for 2012 is FAITHFUL. I want to rest in God's faithfulness and to be found faithful no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I have some things to finish. Papers. Projects. A degree. A life. At the end of it all I want my life to count. Isn't that what everyone wants? To make a difference. To matter. To be faithful.

I received a beautiful gift from some dear friends for my birthday this year. Words of affirmation from dear sisters in Christ to read, re-read and cherish on the days when I feel insignificant, unimportant and worthless. I know my life matters to these dear ones. So why then do I still feel this empty space, this longing for...something?

My head tells me what I've told others. That space is for God alone. Fill it with His presence. Fill it with faith. Fill it with gratitude. Yes. I know. These things I will do with varying degrees of success because I know in my heart that they are right. Still the ache lingers.

Maybe I'm longing for something that will never be completely filled here. Maybe the longing is for the day when He will make all things new. Maybe the ache is a gift that keeps me reaching for Him - reaching for that day and not really expecting it to be filled here and now.

So, what I'm doing this New Year's Eve of 2011 is reflecting, planning, hoping and praying. Looking forward to a new baby - a little boy who promises to bring hope to a family that has been wracked by tragedy. Baby Caleb - may you be like your namesake - strong, courageous, a leader, faith-filled and faithful. Looking forward to all the beautiful, unexpected, hard, good, wonderful, terrible, breathtaking, heartbreaking, frustrating, fulfilling and God-orchestrated events, thoughts and feelings of a new year. I know He is with me and that makes the ache tolerable.

Another Year

Our family has a tradition of spending a few days away between Christmas and New Years in the Eastern Cascade Mountain town of Leavenworth. We started coming here in the summer of 1977 when Thousand Trails (a camping membership that we belong to) opened a campground just a few miles from town. We’ve been hooked ever since. The summers are gorgeous. Hot and sunny days, cool clear nights, hiking and fishing and relaxing by the pool. The winters are equally beautiful. Several feet of snow, Christmas lights, skiing, sleighrides, browsing quaint little shops. It’s just a little piece of heaven in my mind. In fact, I’d love to own a home here. For now, I’ll settle for camping in the summer and staying in a condo in the winter.

One of the things I like to do while relaxing here is to take time to reflect on the past year and look forward to the coming one. Looking back is relatively easy – looking forward in my book is a guessing game. Truth be told, we can plan all we want, but the future is not in our hands.

A year ago we were rejoicing at the news that Andy & Amanda were going to have a baby. We had all been praying earnestly for several years for Amanda to be able to conceive and we were all pretty discouraged that is had not happened. The birth of baby Annice in August was joyfully celebrated by the whole family. We were all there that day marveling at this tiny (well not so tiny – 8 lbs. 12 oz!) little person and the wonder of new life.

There have been other wonders in the past year. Chris has secured a ministry position – something that we had also been praying for for several years. Nate received his appointment as a missionary associate and is in the process of raising the funds to go to Argentina. David and I are feeling a stirring that God is doing something new for us as well. If we were to see the past year on a map, our journey has taken us on some freeways, highways, mountain passes, unpaved roads, dead-ends, detours and back streets. That is the adventure of following Christ – we really don’t know what is ahead. We’re not truly in the driver’s seat – we’re just along for the ride of our lives.

We have seen some plans and dreams fulfilled in the past year. We remodeled our family room. I lost 20 pounds and got in better shape. Tricia started school for her master’s degree. We paid off car loans – to name just a few.

But at the same time there are some unfulfilled dreams and hopes. Right now, I feel that God has said to just stay faithful and keep on asking and hoping. They are not things that I’m ready to articulate at this point. Some concern me, some my family. All are in the hands of the Father who alone knows our hearts desires and what is best concerning us.

As I look ahead to 2009, I’m confident that there will be some glorious victories and celebrations and there will be some disappointments and heartache – that is how life goes. But I am also confident that the One who is faithful is already there, guiding, encouraging, comforting, strengthening all along the way.

This is my prayer for my family and for all of you in the coming year:

Philippians 1:3-6

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

And Philippians 1:9-11

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Abounding more and more in knowledge and depth of insight… May you know Jesus more in the coming year.