Not So Courageous After All

I suppose Courageous was a good word to choose for my One Word for 2013, since I'm really (really) not courageous. This minute I should be writing on my final project for my Master's degree. Instead I'm reading blogs and commenting on Facebook and texting a friend, writing this blog and doing just about everything I can think of to avoid writing that paper.

The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid after all this time that I can't do it. I'm afraid I have absolutely nothing to say - especially not 50-65 pages worth. I'm afraid that all I will able to do is regurgitate what someone else has said - and better. I'm afraid. And so I stall...

The pressure is on. I've told the whole world that I am graduating on May 4 of THIS YEAR. I don't have any choice really, but to start - to jump into the deep end of the pool. But here I am, toes on the edge, hesitating, trying to work up the courage to jump.

I'm in the process of going through a leadership assessment. I sent out a survey to around 60 people to give a rating and comment on aspects of my leadership covering integrity, courage, imagination, influence, and several other areas. As I read through the comments, one struck a raw nerve and I haven't been able to get past it. Under the heading "Imaginative" it said:

"It is hard to determine how much original creativity comes from Vicki versus what imaginative things she reads and implements. She is consistent in implimenting [sic] imaginative ideas, I'm just not sure to what extent those ideas came from a recent book or blog. Utilizing other people's ideas is great, and it does take imagination to envision how someone's idea could be worked into your sphere of influence, so that does take creativity."

I guess the reason is stung is that I feel that way much of the time. I don't feel creative or particularly imaginative. I admire people who are creative and often wonder how they do it. I just don't have that streak in me. And it makes me afraid.

I have this deeply ingrained sense of doing what is right and it drives me crazy when Pastors in particular, borrow someone else's idea, or even a whole sermon and don't give credit. I try to steer far away from plagiarism  but I'm afraid that I do it inadvertently anyway. How much of what I think comes from what I've read somewhere but don't remember where? Yes, these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Sometimes I think I should go away for about a month with just my Bible and see what kinds of thoughts flow out of that. Even then, could I get out of my head the ideas that have already been ingrained in my thinking from all the books, articles and blogs I've read and the sermons I've heard. And - a part of writing this kind of paper is research that must be incorporated into the writing. This is a very real concern to me. I guess I'll just be really conscious of citing sources and trust the Lord to help me in this.

I did have a very inspiring and encouraging Google hangout this morning with a young woman who is utilizing Social Media in her personal life for community and for her church connections. Just talking through her ideas gave me some ideas. Will they be entirely original? Probably not. But really, is there a new idea out there? Even the most innovative idea came from somewhere - it was expanded upon, or built on, or spun off of another idea. I've got to cut myself a little slack here. Really.

So, I'm back to my first memory verse of the year;

"Have I not commanded you? (Yes, Lord. You did.) Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (And whatever you do.)" Josh. 1:9

I hear You.

C-C-C-C-Courage!

My life is about to take a dramatic (for me) turn in a new direction. After 22 years on staff and a lifetime of attendance, I'm about to leave my home church and embark on a new season. Last fall my husband took a teaching job that requires an hour drive each way. We wanted to give it a while to settle in to see if this might require a move on our part and so, as the school year is winding down - and the daily drive seems longer with every passing day - we have made the decision to move. Lots of people move. But not us. We are the Rock people. We are Giant Oaks with deep roots.

I've felt this stirring, this shifting, this moving in my spirit for several years now. It was only the job and the drive that motivated my husband however. He just couldn't see any logical reason to leave. Now we have one. Now the door is open. If we do not walk through it now, we never will.

I thought that was my greatest fear - to live and die in the same small town, to never experience life outside Lewis County. I've yearned for a move, prayed for it, actually begged God for it, and now it's here and I'm terrified. But not in the way you'd expect.

I'm excited at the prospect of a new church and making new friends. I've wondered what it would be like to walk into a church, into a community where I have no history. Will people like me? Will I fit? Will I have an opportunity to blossom and grow? Or, will people shut me out, and be threatened by the presence of a new-comer? These are the things I've heard over the years from people who have moved into our little town and into our church. Some, like me have come from a place of authority and position - a place where they were the go-to girl. They have complained - sometimes bitterly - that they can't break into the "clique" - that no one will let them do what they were called to do.

One of the things I don't understand about this move is that while my husband has a job, I have nothing. No new ministry position to step into. I feel that I am just beginning to peak in knowledge, skill and wisdom. I know the call of God is still on my life, yet I am stepping into the black hole called "transition." The very word implies a move into something new - a new direction, position or ministry. I'm afraid that I will get as stuck in the "transition" phase of my life as I have been in this last, long season. I'm afraid I never will actually "transition." I feel exposed and vulnerable.

I'm also afraid that I'm making a mistake. I'm afraid I'll end up like Violet Biggs in It's a Wonderful Life. I'm afraid I'll come slinking sheepishly back to Chehalis. "Silly me. What was I thinking? This is home."

I think that's why the word COURAGE has become my new favorite word. I'm not naturally a courageous person. I'm not a risk taker. But I believe God has opened this door and I'm going to swallow my fear and walk through it. I'm speaking Joshua 1:9 out loud over my life:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Because He is with me, I will not fear.