Today I was a goat

The last conversation I had with Amy was last Tuesday. She called because she needed help - lots of help. Her rent was past due and going up $50 every day she didn't pay it. Her kids needed diapers. She was out of contact lens solution. She had a court date the following week and couldn't pay her attorney. She was at her wits end. She claimed to have checked with every agency in town. I have no doubt that she did, but she had already exhausted all her options. She was hoping to get in touch with her Dad who had just returned from Afghanistan and could maybe help her with the attorney's fees. She was worried about losing custody of her boys - four and two. My heart broke for her.

I first met Amy two years ago when she came to me for some pastoral counseling. She had left her husband because of domestic abuse. She took her boys and drove to Utah to stay with family for a couple of weeks. When she returned, she was in trouble with the law for running with the kids. Unfortunately, she had never reported the abuse, so the court system did not believe her. She had no job and very little money. She moved in with a lady from our church who ended up kicking her out after a few weeks.

We helped her financially and she was finally able to get into a low-income apartment but her financial struggles did not end. She had back problems from working at Walmart, but was unable to get on SSI. He husband fought her over child support. Her car broke down repeatedly. She just could not get ahead. And Amy had a heart as big as all outdoors. When she did have a little, she shared it or gave it away.

She brought her kids to church as often as she could. The boys loved "Jesus' house." She loved Jesus too and wanted her boys to grow up loving Jesus more than anything. Whether we were able to help her or not, she was always kind and grateful for what we had done. At the end of every conversation, she always said, "I love you Pastor Vicki."

Those were her words to me last Tuesday afternoon when I told her we could not help her this time. After discussing her situation with our benevolence pastor and administrator and checking to see when we had helped her last, it was decided that we would not give her financial assistance this time. I felt like we should have done something - even if it was just a grocery card. But I called her and told her we could not help. She thanked me for all the help we had given her in the past and told me she loved me. Those were the last words I will ever hear her say. Amy died this morning of an apparent overdose.

My heart is broken and my mind is full of regret. See, I felt like our decision not to help at all lacked compassion. I thought we should have done something. But I did not fight for Amy. The worst of it is, I felt the Holy Spirit say, You could buy her some diapers and contact solution. I thought, Yes, I could. But then I didn't. I meant to, but I didn't. I put her and her problems out of my mind. In the end, it may or may not have helped. But I did not do what little I could. Now two little boys do not have a Mama and I will always wonder if a little kindness would have helped her somehow. The "church" didn't help her, but I could have.

I am grateful for the voice of the Holy Spirit in the middle of this tragedy. I know that I am forgiven, but I never want to forget this moment.

The Final Judgment

^{Matthew 25:31-46}

³¹ “But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. ³⁶ I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
³⁷ “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? ³⁹ When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
⁴⁰ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’
⁴¹ “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons.
  ⁴² For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. ⁴³ I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’
⁴⁴ “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
⁴⁵ “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’
⁴⁶ “And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”

C-C-C-C-Courage!

My life is about to take a dramatic (for me) turn in a new direction. After 22 years on staff and a lifetime of attendance, I'm about to leave my home church and embark on a new season. Last fall my husband took a teaching job that requires an hour drive each way. We wanted to give it a while to settle in to see if this might require a move on our part and so, as the school year is winding down - and the daily drive seems longer with every passing day - we have made the decision to move. Lots of people move. But not us. We are the Rock people. We are Giant Oaks with deep roots.

I've felt this stirring, this shifting, this moving in my spirit for several years now. It was only the job and the drive that motivated my husband however. He just couldn't see any logical reason to leave. Now we have one. Now the door is open. If we do not walk through it now, we never will.

I thought that was my greatest fear - to live and die in the same small town, to never experience life outside Lewis County. I've yearned for a move, prayed for it, actually begged God for it, and now it's here and I'm terrified. But not in the way you'd expect.

I'm excited at the prospect of a new church and making new friends. I've wondered what it would be like to walk into a church, into a community where I have no history. Will people like me? Will I fit? Will I have an opportunity to blossom and grow? Or, will people shut me out, and be threatened by the presence of a new-comer? These are the things I've heard over the years from people who have moved into our little town and into our church. Some, like me have come from a place of authority and position - a place where they were the go-to girl. They have complained - sometimes bitterly - that they can't break into the "clique" - that no one will let them do what they were called to do.

One of the things I don't understand about this move is that while my husband has a job, I have nothing. No new ministry position to step into. I feel that I am just beginning to peak in knowledge, skill and wisdom. I know the call of God is still on my life, yet I am stepping into the black hole called "transition." The very word implies a move into something new - a new direction, position or ministry. I'm afraid that I will get as stuck in the "transition" phase of my life as I have been in this last, long season. I'm afraid I never will actually "transition." I feel exposed and vulnerable.

I'm also afraid that I'm making a mistake. I'm afraid I'll end up like Violet Biggs in It's a Wonderful Life. I'm afraid I'll come slinking sheepishly back to Chehalis. "Silly me. What was I thinking? This is home."

I think that's why the word COURAGE has become my new favorite word. I'm not naturally a courageous person. I'm not a risk taker. But I believe God has opened this door and I'm going to swallow my fear and walk through it. I'm speaking Joshua 1:9 out loud over my life:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Because He is with me, I will not fear.

One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: “Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?”

Jesus replied: “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.’ This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’

All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments.”(Matthew 22:35-40)

Scot McKnight calls this, The Jesus Creed.
Creed is defined:

1. A formal statement of religious belief; a confession of faith.

2. A system of belief, principles, or opinions.

We Christians are so good at fooling ourselves into thinking that we are living The Jesus Creed. After all - we do love the Lord. We sing it and we say it, but I submit that we - none of us - are very good at living it.

We could do it if it wasn't for that pesky little phrase Jesus added at the end - the part about loving your neighbor. See, John the Apostle clarified it for us. He says if you don't do the latter, you are never able to do the former.

Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.  

This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as
an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another. No one has ever seen God; but if we love one another, God lives in us and his love is made complete in us. (1 John 4:7-10)

Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.1 Peter 3:7-9

So I ask along with the religious rulers of the day, "Who is my neighbor?" Nope.  On second thought, I'm not really asking the "who" question. I think Jesus explained that pretty well. I want to know how - not who. I want to know what - not who. I want to know when - not who.
How do I love when I just plain don't feel like it - when my neighbor is not a "despised Samaritan", but someone that I am ambivalent towards? Maybe ambivalence is hatred after all.
What does that love really look like in practical terms? Mostly it seems like it looks like TIME. Oh. I hoard my time like a miser hoards pennies.
When does love step in and when does it stand back? Sometimes love propels me right into the middle of something I'd rather stay out of. I have valued safety and security above sacrificial love.

Father - help me love sacrificially, courageously, boldly, no holding back, no more excuses. Help me live The Jesus Creed.

Snowmageddon 2012

We are weather lightweights here in the Pacific Northwest. We have a predictable weather menu: Rain, sun, sun breaks, rain, repeat. When something out of the ordinary happens we get pretty excited. This week has been one of those weeks. After a ridiculously mild December (one of the driest on record) January was cruising along much like it always does - that is until Sunday.

Snow hit. We really like snow here. We don't get much and when we do it usually lasts a day or two - just enough for the kids to get a day off school, sled, build snow forts and snow people - and then it's back to normal. When the weather forecast was predicting record snowfall, most of us didn't believe it. (Well - I didn't believe it) I'm not sure why, but weather forecasting is pretty unreliable in this part of the country. I guess I'm thankful that we don't have tornadoes and such - we'd never know what hit us. Sunday's snowfall was nice, but pretty normal. 2 - 3 inches, then rain. None to speak of on Monday. A few more inches on Tuesday. Then about 1:00 a.m. Wednesday morning it started to fall. It fell, and fell and fell. Seventeen inches worth! What? The weather forecast was right???? Then the temperature hovered right around freezing all day. (OK. The weather forecast wasn't EXACTLY right. It was supposed to rain.) Nightime brought freezing temperatures and then freezing rain. Freezing rain on top of seventeen inches of snow. Yea, we're not going anyplace for a while.

It's been a beautiful week for me. I had a lot of writing to do and this forced snow retreat has been just the ticket. I finally feel on top of things and might actually make a writing deadline without having to ask for an extension! Hooray for snow!!!!

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Well - here we are on the brink of another year. I just read my New Year's post from 2008. There have been some changes since that day. Here are a few:
Wedding #1 - Chris & Jana, June 5, 2010
Baby #2 - Adeline Rose, July 12, 2010
Wedding #2 - Tricia & Bobby, August 21, 2010
Ending of David's teaching career #2 in Onalaska, Washington.
Beginning of David's teaching career #3 in Rainier, Oregon.

Some changes, but so many things stay the same. I'm still in a job that alternately fulfills and frustrates me. (I suppose that could be said of any job...) I am still wishing and hoping for something "new". A new job, new house, new town... Yet at the same time a realistic look at those desires produces a nameless fear. I know (translate: control) the downsides of the old. Who knows what "new" might bring? So I stay. Some days I feel that it's the right thing - even the "spiritual" thing to do. My word for 2012 is FAITHFUL. I want to rest in God's faithfulness and to be found faithful no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I have some things to finish. Papers. Projects. A degree. A life. At the end of it all I want my life to count. Isn't that what everyone wants? To make a difference. To matter. To be faithful.

I received a beautiful gift from some dear friends for my birthday this year. Words of affirmation from dear sisters in Christ to read, re-read and cherish on the days when I feel insignificant, unimportant and worthless. I know my life matters to these dear ones. So why then do I still feel this empty space, this longing for...something?

My head tells me what I've told others. That space is for God alone. Fill it with His presence. Fill it with faith. Fill it with gratitude. Yes. I know. These things I will do with varying degrees of success because I know in my heart that they are right. Still the ache lingers.

Maybe I'm longing for something that will never be completely filled here. Maybe the longing is for the day when He will make all things new. Maybe the ache is a gift that keeps me reaching for Him - reaching for that day and not really expecting it to be filled here and now.

So, what I'm doing this New Year's Eve of 2011 is reflecting, planning, hoping and praying. Looking forward to a new baby - a little boy who promises to bring hope to a family that has been wracked by tragedy. Baby Caleb - may you be like your namesake - strong, courageous, a leader, faith-filled and faithful. Looking forward to all the beautiful, unexpected, hard, good, wonderful, terrible, breathtaking, heartbreaking, frustrating, fulfilling and God-orchestrated events, thoughts and feelings of a new year. I know He is with me and that makes the ache tolerable.

In Its Time

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Just returned from a short visit with my son Chris and his new bride Jana. It actually ended up being a mini family reunion, with everyone gathering in Pasco except son Andy and his sweet family. Thank goodness for Skype!

Had lots of time to think on the long drive home. I found myself rejoicing in God's good timing. Who could have ever put the events of the last couple of years together except God? Another beautiful granddaughter, a daughter-in-law and a son-in-law added to our family all in the space of a few short months. Yet there were times in the last ten years or so that I despaired any of that happening. Timing. It's all in God's good timing. He truly has made everything beautiful in its time.

Though Solomon became a cynical old man yet, he acknowledges that God has everything planned - it's all in his time. And, that he has put a longing for eternity in our hearts. No matter how discouraging life seems, no matter how distant our hopes and dreams; we long for a time when his kingdom will come and his will be done on earth as it is in heaven - Eden reborn.

Another Year

Our family has a tradition of spending a few days away between Christmas and New Years in the Eastern Cascade Mountain town of Leavenworth. We started coming here in the summer of 1977 when Thousand Trails (a camping membership that we belong to) opened a campground just a few miles from town. We’ve been hooked ever since. The summers are gorgeous. Hot and sunny days, cool clear nights, hiking and fishing and relaxing by the pool. The winters are equally beautiful. Several feet of snow, Christmas lights, skiing, sleighrides, browsing quaint little shops. It’s just a little piece of heaven in my mind. In fact, I’d love to own a home here. For now, I’ll settle for camping in the summer and staying in a condo in the winter.

One of the things I like to do while relaxing here is to take time to reflect on the past year and look forward to the coming one. Looking back is relatively easy – looking forward in my book is a guessing game. Truth be told, we can plan all we want, but the future is not in our hands.

A year ago we were rejoicing at the news that Andy & Amanda were going to have a baby. We had all been praying earnestly for several years for Amanda to be able to conceive and we were all pretty discouraged that is had not happened. The birth of baby Annice in August was joyfully celebrated by the whole family. We were all there that day marveling at this tiny (well not so tiny – 8 lbs. 12 oz!) little person and the wonder of new life.

There have been other wonders in the past year. Chris has secured a ministry position – something that we had also been praying for for several years. Nate received his appointment as a missionary associate and is in the process of raising the funds to go to Argentina. David and I are feeling a stirring that God is doing something new for us as well. If we were to see the past year on a map, our journey has taken us on some freeways, highways, mountain passes, unpaved roads, dead-ends, detours and back streets. That is the adventure of following Christ – we really don’t know what is ahead. We’re not truly in the driver’s seat – we’re just along for the ride of our lives.

We have seen some plans and dreams fulfilled in the past year. We remodeled our family room. I lost 20 pounds and got in better shape. Tricia started school for her master’s degree. We paid off car loans – to name just a few.

But at the same time there are some unfulfilled dreams and hopes. Right now, I feel that God has said to just stay faithful and keep on asking and hoping. They are not things that I’m ready to articulate at this point. Some concern me, some my family. All are in the hands of the Father who alone knows our hearts desires and what is best concerning us.

As I look ahead to 2009, I’m confident that there will be some glorious victories and celebrations and there will be some disappointments and heartache – that is how life goes. But I am also confident that the One who is faithful is already there, guiding, encouraging, comforting, strengthening all along the way.

This is my prayer for my family and for all of you in the coming year:

Philippians 1:3-6

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

And Philippians 1:9-11

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Abounding more and more in knowledge and depth of insight… May you know Jesus more in the coming year.