C-C-C-C-Courage!

My life is about to take a dramatic (for me) turn in a new direction. After 22 years on staff and a lifetime of attendance, I'm about to leave my home church and embark on a new season. Last fall my husband took a teaching job that requires an hour drive each way. We wanted to give it a while to settle in to see if this might require a move on our part and so, as the school year is winding down - and the daily drive seems longer with every passing day - we have made the decision to move. Lots of people move. But not us. We are the Rock people. We are Giant Oaks with deep roots.

I've felt this stirring, this shifting, this moving in my spirit for several years now. It was only the job and the drive that motivated my husband however. He just couldn't see any logical reason to leave. Now we have one. Now the door is open. If we do not walk through it now, we never will.

I thought that was my greatest fear - to live and die in the same small town, to never experience life outside Lewis County. I've yearned for a move, prayed for it, actually begged God for it, and now it's here and I'm terrified. But not in the way you'd expect.

I'm excited at the prospect of a new church and making new friends. I've wondered what it would be like to walk into a church, into a community where I have no history. Will people like me? Will I fit? Will I have an opportunity to blossom and grow? Or, will people shut me out, and be threatened by the presence of a new-comer? These are the things I've heard over the years from people who have moved into our little town and into our church. Some, like me have come from a place of authority and position - a place where they were the go-to girl. They have complained - sometimes bitterly - that they can't break into the "clique" - that no one will let them do what they were called to do.

One of the things I don't understand about this move is that while my husband has a job, I have nothing. No new ministry position to step into. I feel that I am just beginning to peak in knowledge, skill and wisdom. I know the call of God is still on my life, yet I am stepping into the black hole called "transition." The very word implies a move into something new - a new direction, position or ministry. I'm afraid that I will get as stuck in the "transition" phase of my life as I have been in this last, long season. I'm afraid I never will actually "transition." I feel exposed and vulnerable.

I'm also afraid that I'm making a mistake. I'm afraid I'll end up like Violet Biggs in It's a Wonderful Life. I'm afraid I'll come slinking sheepishly back to Chehalis. "Silly me. What was I thinking? This is home."

I think that's why the word COURAGE has become my new favorite word. I'm not naturally a courageous person. I'm not a risk taker. But I believe God has opened this door and I'm going to swallow my fear and walk through it. I'm speaking Joshua 1:9 out loud over my life:
"Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.” 

Because He is with me, I will not fear.

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Well - here we are on the brink of another year. I just read my New Year's post from 2008. There have been some changes since that day. Here are a few:
Wedding #1 - Chris & Jana, June 5, 2010
Baby #2 - Adeline Rose, July 12, 2010
Wedding #2 - Tricia & Bobby, August 21, 2010
Ending of David's teaching career #2 in Onalaska, Washington.
Beginning of David's teaching career #3 in Rainier, Oregon.

Some changes, but so many things stay the same. I'm still in a job that alternately fulfills and frustrates me. (I suppose that could be said of any job...) I am still wishing and hoping for something "new". A new job, new house, new town... Yet at the same time a realistic look at those desires produces a nameless fear. I know (translate: control) the downsides of the old. Who knows what "new" might bring? So I stay. Some days I feel that it's the right thing - even the "spiritual" thing to do. My word for 2012 is FAITHFUL. I want to rest in God's faithfulness and to be found faithful no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I have some things to finish. Papers. Projects. A degree. A life. At the end of it all I want my life to count. Isn't that what everyone wants? To make a difference. To matter. To be faithful.

I received a beautiful gift from some dear friends for my birthday this year. Words of affirmation from dear sisters in Christ to read, re-read and cherish on the days when I feel insignificant, unimportant and worthless. I know my life matters to these dear ones. So why then do I still feel this empty space, this longing for...something?

My head tells me what I've told others. That space is for God alone. Fill it with His presence. Fill it with faith. Fill it with gratitude. Yes. I know. These things I will do with varying degrees of success because I know in my heart that they are right. Still the ache lingers.

Maybe I'm longing for something that will never be completely filled here. Maybe the longing is for the day when He will make all things new. Maybe the ache is a gift that keeps me reaching for Him - reaching for that day and not really expecting it to be filled here and now.

So, what I'm doing this New Year's Eve of 2011 is reflecting, planning, hoping and praying. Looking forward to a new baby - a little boy who promises to bring hope to a family that has been wracked by tragedy. Baby Caleb - may you be like your namesake - strong, courageous, a leader, faith-filled and faithful. Looking forward to all the beautiful, unexpected, hard, good, wonderful, terrible, breathtaking, heartbreaking, frustrating, fulfilling and God-orchestrated events, thoughts and feelings of a new year. I know He is with me and that makes the ache tolerable.

In Its Time

Ecclesiastes 3:11
He has made everything beautiful in its time. He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end.

Just returned from a short visit with my son Chris and his new bride Jana. It actually ended up being a mini family reunion, with everyone gathering in Pasco except son Andy and his sweet family. Thank goodness for Skype!

Had lots of time to think on the long drive home. I found myself rejoicing in God's good timing. Who could have ever put the events of the last couple of years together except God? Another beautiful granddaughter, a daughter-in-law and a son-in-law added to our family all in the space of a few short months. Yet there were times in the last ten years or so that I despaired any of that happening. Timing. It's all in God's good timing. He truly has made everything beautiful in its time.

Though Solomon became a cynical old man yet, he acknowledges that God has everything planned - it's all in his time. And, that he has put a longing for eternity in our hearts. No matter how discouraging life seems, no matter how distant our hopes and dreams; we long for a time when his kingdom will come and his will be done on earth as it is in heaven - Eden reborn.