Not So Courageous After All

I suppose Courageous was a good word to choose for my One Word for 2013, since I'm really (really) not courageous. This minute I should be writing on my final project for my Master's degree. Instead I'm reading blogs and commenting on Facebook and texting a friend, writing this blog and doing just about everything I can think of to avoid writing that paper.

The truth is, I'm afraid. I'm afraid after all this time that I can't do it. I'm afraid I have absolutely nothing to say - especially not 50-65 pages worth. I'm afraid that all I will able to do is regurgitate what someone else has said - and better. I'm afraid. And so I stall...

The pressure is on. I've told the whole world that I am graduating on May 4 of THIS YEAR. I don't have any choice really, but to start - to jump into the deep end of the pool. But here I am, toes on the edge, hesitating, trying to work up the courage to jump.

I'm in the process of going through a leadership assessment. I sent out a survey to around 60 people to give a rating and comment on aspects of my leadership covering integrity, courage, imagination, influence, and several other areas. As I read through the comments, one struck a raw nerve and I haven't been able to get past it. Under the heading "Imaginative" it said:

"It is hard to determine how much original creativity comes from Vicki versus what imaginative things she reads and implements. She is consistent in implimenting [sic] imaginative ideas, I'm just not sure to what extent those ideas came from a recent book or blog. Utilizing other people's ideas is great, and it does take imagination to envision how someone's idea could be worked into your sphere of influence, so that does take creativity."

I guess the reason is stung is that I feel that way much of the time. I don't feel creative or particularly imaginative. I admire people who are creative and often wonder how they do it. I just don't have that streak in me. And it makes me afraid.

I have this deeply ingrained sense of doing what is right and it drives me crazy when Pastors in particular, borrow someone else's idea, or even a whole sermon and don't give credit. I try to steer far away from plagiarism  but I'm afraid that I do it inadvertently anyway. How much of what I think comes from what I've read somewhere but don't remember where? Yes, these are the thoughts that keep me awake at night.

Sometimes I think I should go away for about a month with just my Bible and see what kinds of thoughts flow out of that. Even then, could I get out of my head the ideas that have already been ingrained in my thinking from all the books, articles and blogs I've read and the sermons I've heard. And - a part of writing this kind of paper is research that must be incorporated into the writing. This is a very real concern to me. I guess I'll just be really conscious of citing sources and trust the Lord to help me in this.

I did have a very inspiring and encouraging Google hangout this morning with a young woman who is utilizing Social Media in her personal life for community and for her church connections. Just talking through her ideas gave me some ideas. Will they be entirely original? Probably not. But really, is there a new idea out there? Even the most innovative idea came from somewhere - it was expanded upon, or built on, or spun off of another idea. I've got to cut myself a little slack here. Really.

So, I'm back to my first memory verse of the year;

"Have I not commanded you? (Yes, Lord. You did.) Be strong and courageous. Do not be terrified. Do not be discouraged. For the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. (And whatever you do.)" Josh. 1:9

I hear You.

This Always Makes Me Laugh

There are laughs, and then - there are Laughs! 

There is the kind of laugh that starts somewhere deep inside and just comes spilling out - overflowing with joy. This is my favorite scene from the movie, Mary Poppins;

http://youtu.be/pOMqqI-kzHY

There are other kinds of laughs. Laughs that are not so funny. Laughs of derision, and disbelief. Laughs that are really saying, "Yea, riiiiight." 

“Where is your wife Sarah?” they asked him.

“There, in the tent,” he said.

Then one of them said, “I will surely return to you about this time next year, and Sarah your wife will have a son.”

Now Sarah was listening at the entrance to the tent, which was behind him. Abraham and Sarah were already very old, and Sarah was past the age of childbearing. So Sarah laughed to herself as she thought, “After I am worn out and my lord is old, will I now have this pleasure?”

Then the Lord said to Abraham, “Why did Sarah laugh and say, ‘Will I really have a child, now that I am old?’ Is anything too hard for the Lord? I will return to you at the appointed time next year, and Sarah will have a son.”

Sarah was afraid, so she lied and said, “I did not laugh.”

But he said, “Yes, you did laugh.” Genesis 18:9-15

Sarah could have laughed with glee. Instead she laughed in disbelief. (I get a kick out of the discussion between Sarah and the Heavenly visitor. "You laughed." "Did not." "Did too!")

God wants us to believe that He has wonderful things for us, but sometimes the accumulation of disappointments create a cloud of dispair that prevents us from receiving His gifts with joyful hearts. 

When you read the Scripture about God's good gifts, do you laugh in disbelief, like Sarah? Do you think to yourself, "That's fine for other people, but it sure hasn't worked out that way for me!" Have you gotten tired and cynical after years of believing for something and not seeing it come to pass?

Take a lesson from Sarah.

God is true to His word - even when we don't believe.

Now, throw your head back and laugh - that, from-the-tip-of-your-toes kind of laugh. A believing kind of laugh. The answer to your prayers is on its way!

Things I Like About January

Sometime around the middle of December, I begin to dread January. December is so full of joy and light and fun and family. January is so q-u-i-e-t, dark, empty, long. But this January (so far) seems different. I'm really enjoying this one. I don't know if this year is different, or if I'm different, but here are the things I like about (this) January.

Beauty
Sunsets and sunrises. Frosted leaves and grass. Snow silently falling. Clear cold days and nights (there have been a few!).

Birds
I guess it is living here on the slough - but I've never seen such a concentration of birds - cool birds, not just your run-of-the-mill robins and chickadees. I didn't know there were so many kinds of ducks. Mallards I knew, but Buffle Heads, Coots, Wood Ducks, to name a few I didn't know. They are beautiful and quirky and all so different. Chris (our family Duck Commander) delights in pointing out the different varieties and helping us identify them. Yesterday a Blue Heron hung out behind the house. He/she was in no hurry - long neck turning this way and that. A Snowy Owl perched on my back fence long enough for me to get a good look before swooping away. A Red Tailed Hawk lives in the tree directly across the slough from our house. I watch him circle and land nearly every day. And just now, a Bald Eagle came rocketing down to pick up a little something to eat from the bounty of the slough.

Balance
I think I need January as a place to regain equilibrium and balance. The calm, quiet of January is a perfect time to reflect and recoup from the frenzy of the Fall months. Long nights and short days offer an excuse to rest.

This year I have no job to rush off to every day. I didn't have a long list of "new" initiatives to begin or programs to implement. I think this has given me time to be aware of how wonderful the month of January really is. Maybe next year, regardless of my employment situation, I will be more aware of the beauty and I won't dread it so much.

Things are not always what they seem

Well, I received a very nice, very open email in return regarding my questions to our potentially new pastor about women in ministry.

Proceeding with caution.

And...I may have spoken too soon

Yesterday my post indicated that my husband and I had found a church and were ready to commit (and submit) to New Life Church. Fortunately, my husband picked up some literature from the information desk on their leadership theology and practice. As I read the Pastor's position paper on the Elder Ministry, my heart sank. It appears (and I am still waiting for an answer from the pastor clarifying his position) that this is a male-driven, patriarchal leadership church structure. Sigh.

Many questions have surfaced in light of this revelation.

"Why can't we find good, solid Bible preaching AND an egalitarian view of leadership?"

"Is it because egalitarianism is UNbiblical?"

"If so, then why did you call me to ministry God?"

"Why does it matter what they believe about women in ministry? Can't I just attend and keep my mouth shut?"

And then I think,
I was happy being "just a" wife and mom. I could just stay home, read my Bible like a good girl, cook nice meals, go to lunch with friends, support my husband, post inspiring blogs and Facebook status updates. I could do that...

No. No, I could not.

I cannot ignore the call of God on my life to teach and preach to whoever and wherever He gives me opportunity.

I cannot ignore my responsibility to the next generation to be a role model of a woman who fears the Lord.

I cannot ignore the fire in my bones.

I cannot ignore injustice.

God help me, I must study, speak, lead - not because I want to, but because He called me.

It's difficult to ignore the voices of those who say I am not qualified. It is impossible to ignore God's voice.

A Decision

Well - we finally made a decision about our new home church. It's been a weird six months. At first the freedom of not HAVING to be at church was wonderful. We've done a lot of visiting, missed church entirely a couple of times and generally just did what we wanted to do on Sundays (and weekends). But I've known all along that we would have to settle in and make a decision - and it was a hard one.

We tried five different churches and liked them all really. The easiest and most comfortable choice would have been Columbia Heights where we already have relationship. But a part of this whole adventure was to make sure we were NOT just comfortable. I particularly wanted the experience of walking into a church where I knew no one and no one knew me. New Life is the only church out of the five that fit that criteria. We've attended four Sundays now and have even gone to Sunday School a couple of times and really feel that this is the place God wants us for now. The tipping point was the preaching. Pastor Tony is a Bible expositor. He just opens the word and preaches verse by verse. That was on our list - really at or near the top of our list. Today we went to the "newcomers lunch" and I'm going to go to the prayer meeting tomorrow night and the ladies Bible study on Wednesday. I feel like I need to wade in to involvement and not just sit on the outside. However, I'm far from wanting to be in any kind of leadership. The church has a choir that will start rehearsals for an Easter production next week and I think (although we haven't decided for sure) that we will check that out too. Might as well I guess. It's good to have made a decision.

But at the same time I can't figure out why I have this tiny tinge of something - I'll call it sadness for lack of a better term. I found myself feeling like I wanted to cry several times during Sunday School, worship and the lunch that didn't have anything to do with being particularly moved by the Spirit. Maybe it's a little fear or insecurity? So far I don't have any red flags of caution and certainly have felt warmly welcomed from the very first. It's just hard to put yourself out there I guess. In the last few years I've developed the tendency to hold back a little - not wanting to get hurt. Even though I have committed to begin attending on Sundays and am trying out a few things, I'm still very tentative.

So we're beginning a new year at New Life church. Isaiah 43:18-19 says this from The Message:
“Forget about what’s happened;
    don’t keep going over old history.
Be alert, be present. I’m about to do something brand-new.
    It’s bursting out! Don’t you see it?
There it is! I’m making a road through the desert,
    rivers in the badlands.

I want to be alert and present to the new thing God is doing in my life. I'm ready, Lord.

One Word for 2013

Inspired by the folks at http://oneword365.com/, last year I chose the word, faithful. It signified to me God's faithfulness in every area of my life, and encouraged me to faithfully carry out His call on my life. I witnessed God's faithfulness again and again, in part because I was watching for it - aware of it.

Everywhere we go these days we are confronted with words. Television, books, newspapers, blogs, Twitter - words are coming at us in overwhelming number. In a sea of so many words, having one word to hang onto is like an anchor. What a relief it is to just remember one thing, one word.

My word for 2013 is Courageous.

Back in April of last year, at our church women's retreat, our speaker took us through an exercise to discover the six words that described our core values. My number one word was courage. I don't consider myself to be a courageous person. Not at all. But at the time, I was embarking on a courageous step - the step to move out of my comfort zone and into a whole new phase of life. Really, it was the culmination of a lot of courageous steps - small ones, baby steps - that led to this leap. Now I find myself a few months into this new adventure and needing to remind myself that it takes courage (really - faith) to follow where God is leading. I cannot see much past the present moment. I need courage to walk through the next door open to me, wherever and whatever that is. I need courage to write and submit papers. I need courage to get involved in a new church and a new community. I need courage to explore possibilities for my future that are still fuzzy and not completely revealed. I need courage to simply be, to rest and not be anxious about the future. I need to be courageous.

My verse for this year is Joshua 1:9

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.

Good-bye 2012

I've been reading a lot of books recently on spiritual formation. One of the recommended disciplines for spiritual formation is the practice of the daily examine. The daily examine (or weekly - or in this case yearly) is the practice of mentally walking through your day with the guidance of the Holy Spirit to go back over the events of the day and invite God to show you where he was present with you and how you responded to his presence. Ruth Haley Barton says,

"Through the examen of consciousness, we become aware of God's presence with us even in moments that are tinged with regret  and we begin to believe, little by little, that nothing can take us out of God's presence."

Barton also says,

"...the real issue in self-examination is not that I am inviting God to know me (since he already does) but that I am inviting God to help me know me."

The end of the year is a good time to reflect back on all the ways God made his presence known. So, here goes:

January:
I decided to do something radical and so I chose the Daniel Fast to begin the New Year. I planned a 7 day fast (I had some events and travel coming up that would make it difficult to maintain and I didn't think I could do the whole 21 days...) I had the best intentions. I'm a bit of a legalist, so I decided that I would go the whole she-bang and go cold turkey off coffee. Uh, hem. Let's just say that was not the wisest thing to do. By 2:00 pm of the first day I had a raging migraine and was throwing up. I was SO sick. At that point, even a cup of coffee couldn't fix it, so I suffered through the day and decided that the Lord would understand if I just had a cup or two in the morning so that I could function. This told me a couple of things:

1. I had a real pride issue going. I really thought I could defy the laws of caffeine addiction and not suffer the consequences just because I was doing something "spiritual." Goodness. 

2. I really was/am addicted to caffeine...

Here's a picture of some of the yummy food I ate during the remaining days. I really did enjoy the fast and plan to do it again - only tapering off caffeine this time.

One of the reasons I only did the fast for 7 days was a retreat for Bethel's Women's Ministries leadership team in the middle of the month. You simply cannot go anywhere with these two ladies and be on a restricted diet. Not possible.

January also brought a joyous occasion - a baby shower for my daughter Tricia! Here she is with her friend Lindsay.

The day of Tricia's shower it started to snow. This slightly affected the attendance for the shower, but we still had plenty of friends, food and presents! Little did we know what was coming in just 24 hours. We called it "Snowmaggedon!" 

We rarely get this kind of snow here in Western Washington. The total ended up over 17 inches - a record at least in my lifetime. Even better - it got really cold and stayed around for a few days. Loved it!

February:

We celebrated David's birthday in Yakima at the Music Educator's annual convention in Yakima along with Andy, Amanda and the girls.

Andy's Middle School band was selected to perform as part of a clinic at the conference. A huge honor!

And then the surprise. Our Leap Baby.

Caleb Jimmie Asher - February 29, 2012

Here are the happy parents with their new son - my GRANDSON! :)

March:

March seemed almost anti-climatic after January and February, but we did manage to sneak away to the Oregon Coast for a few days during Spring Break. This is one of our favorite places in the world.

And this is my favorite person to go with.

April:

April seemed to fly by. I was thrilled to attend my first ever writer's conference at Mount Hermon. So inspiring - and the bonus was that it was for credit and my friend Corinne got to go with me!

April also included the Bethel Ladies retreat - always a fun and inspiring time with some of the most wonderful women on the planet. Here are a couple of my personal favorites:

May:

This was a month of big changes for me. On May 6th, I announced my resignation at Bethel in preparation for a move to Longview. It made for a long month of good-byes. One highlight of the month was sharing the platform with Amy Scott & Shereena Gering on Mother's Day. 

Our theme was, "In Her Steps"

Tricia, Bobby & Caleb came down for church on Mother's Day and we all went to dinner afterward. It was super fun celebrating Tricia's first Mother's Day.

The month ended with a wonderful farewell celebration. We felt so honored and loved. These people and this place (Chehalis and Bethel Church) are in our hearts forever.

Little did we know when we said "good-bye" to these friends that they were about to become family...

June:

June brought the end of another school year and the beginning of the preparation for our big move. We also managed to squeeze in a trip to Alaska.

With these dear folks

It was a fabulous trip. And while we were in Alaska, this happened.

Nathanael Judd & Kayla Rasmussen are engaged!

July:

Was a blur of packing and trying to find a house in Longview. It was quite the ordeal to sort through 28 years of living and trying to decide what would make the move and what would have to go. We did manage to take a few days of family vacation to Thousand Trails near Leavenworth. We were only sad that Bobby, Tricia and Caleb couldn't come, but Bobby's job was in full swing and he couldn't get away.

August:

The packing and packing and packing took most of this month. We found good renters for our house and a cute house to rent. I had a few anxious moments over the move of my precious piano. The professional I hired showed up by himself in an old truck, but somehow managed to get it loaded and moved in one piece.

September:

The school year started with warm days. We discovered a neat beach on the Columbia just a few miles from our house where we went to cool off. We also established a new tradition of walking around Lake Sacagawea on Sunday afternoons.

October:

David was trilled that I was able to go with him for the first time ever on a hunting trip to the Blue Mountains in Eastern Oregon. 

And we continued to enjoy beautiful walks at Lake Sacagawea.

There was fall beauty right outside our backdoor too.

My last class (hooray!) for my Master's Degree. 

And the celebrations began for the upcoming wedding with a bridal shower for Kayla.

November:

And then came Thanksgiving!

Our crazy clan. Poor Kayla didn't know what she was in for.

A Bountiful Table

Annice & Addie at Lake Sacagawea

Papa & Caleb

And finally December came:

The BIG wedding.

Handsome little dude

Two little princesses

Our ever expanding family

A really special moment when Nate & Kayla recited their adaptation of our vows.

Christmas was a whirlwind of family & friends. It was quite a feat to figure out where everyone was going to sleep!

But we managed and had a wonderful time. 

Many of the Ames clan gathered at the home place for Christmas Eve.

Grandpa Shorty with some of the Grandkids

Grandpa Shorty with some of the Great-Grandkids

Christmas morning is especially fun with little ones around.

And then it was off to our Christmas tradition - a few days at Leavenworth.

Caleb wasn't too sure about the snow suit...

Sweet little family

The A-Team

Last stop before heading home - Starbucks!

The year is ending much like it began, with a fresh blanket of snow.

The practice of examine helps me see God's presence and activity in my daily life. As I reflected back over this past year, it's easy to see Him in these - the happy, family times. But there have been other times and events this past year. Times not chronicled by photos. Times too devastating, heartbreaking and confusing to capture in a snap shot. Gut-wrenching times of questioning. But even there I see God's activity. Because I trust His goodness, I know He never once left me or my family. In fact, during those dark times - if it's possible for Him to be closer, I believe He was. I do not understand all the ways He chooses to act on my behalf, but I trust Him completely. And, at the end of the day - or the year, that is what I want to know more than anything. His presence - His nearness - God with us.

Good-bye 2012. Hello new year with new opportunities to see God afresh!