We are weak, but He is STRONG!

Addie, would you like to sing a song?

Yes. (With an earnest shake of her darling little head.) Jesuh Yuvs Me.

And sing she did. In fact she sang it over and over and over again all week long. Addie and her big sister Annice and Mommy & Daddy spent last week with us helping us prepare for our big move. It's no surprise that the girl loves music and loves to sing - I mean really - it's in her genes. But it did get almost comical how many times she sang her two year old version of Jesus Loves Me. I guess God knew how much I would need to hang onto those simple words this week.

You see, tragedy struck our extended family again today. Our son-in-law's father died unexpectedly.

I did what I could to help. Grieving with the family, doing dishes, preparing food, helping with the baby. And praying - hard. And all day long the words to Jesus Loves Me went round and round in my head. Speaking conservatively, I probably know hundreds of songs, but this is the one that has ministered to my broken heart today.

Jesus loves me, this I know. For the Bible tells me so...

When tragedy strikes, doubt is often one of our first responses. It's a trick as old as time, yet we fall for it with shocking ease. Satan used it on Eve, "Did God really say?..."

Satan's voice whispers in our ear,
"God is holding out on you. If He really loved you, would he have let ________ (cancer, death, betrayal, divorce, job loss, financial ruin, fill in the blank) happen?
Where is your God now?
Bad things don't happen to good people.
You are cursed.
You are a failure.
God doesn't really love you, you know."

If we do not hold on to what we know of God, those seeds of doubt take root and grow at an alarming rate. Soon all we can see is the darkness, as a forest of doubt trees block our view of the Son.

Little ones to Him belong...

No matter how old I am chronologically, or how "mature" I am (or think I am) spiritually, I'm still His little one. In fact, Jesus said that unless I become like a little child, I have no hope of entering His kingdom. Little ones are vulnerable, they are trusting, they get hurt, they are learning all the time, they make mistakes. That's me. I'm His little one. When hard times come, I have to know that I belong to Jesus. However, in our weakened state, those arrows of doubt can pierce our tender, childlike hearts.

They are weak...

When will we admit it? We are weak.
This one is a pet peeve so excuse me while I go on a bit of a rant. It infuriates me when hard or tragic things happen and people say, "God must know how strong you are." Or the classic twisting of scripture, "God won't give you any more than you can handle."

Hear me loud and clear: THE BIBLE DOES NOT SAY THAT!!!!! (And yes, I AM SHOUTING!)

What the Bible does say is that when we are weak (which is all the time by the way), then His strength comes through. In fact it says that His strength is strongest when we are weakest.

But what do we do? We say things like, "I can handle it." or "I'll be OK." or "I don't need to talk about it, I just need to move on with my life." Why, oh why do we rob ourselves of His amazing strength? Because we're too proud to admit that we are weak.

But He is strong...

Do you know how strong Jesus is? He carried the weight of the sin of the whole world on the cross. That's how strong He is. He willingly died a cruel, criminal and undeserved death on that cross, so that you and I would not have to pay the price for our sin. That's how strong He is. Death could not hold Him in the grave. That's how strong He is. He never sleeps, He's always watching, always praying, always standing in for us. That's how strong He is. Do you know how strong Jesus is? He is STRONG! Oh friend, believe it.

Yes! Jesus loves me...

Weak, battle weary, wounded, confused and childlike, I run into His strong arms because I know He loves me. On a day like today that is the only thing I am sure of. And strangely - it is enough.

I am weak, but He is STRONG. Yes! Jesus loves me.

And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from God’s love. Neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither our fears for today nor our worries about tomorrow—not even the powers of hell can separate
us from God’s love. No power in the sky above or in the earth below—indeed, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord. 
Romans 8:38-39 NLT

Quiet

It's just David and me here at home these days. Our house used to be so full and noisy. Now the only sound is the radio or TV; the sound of my husband's happy whistle as he works outside; the scrape of dishes; snatches of conversation. But most of the time it's just quiet. I used to love the early morning because it was the only time the house was truly quiet.

So, why do I still love the early morning? Because it's a different kind of quiet. It's like getting to a concert early to get the best seat. It's anticipation (sometimes dread) for the day ahead. I like morning because the quiet of the early morning speaks of hope.

I wait for the LORD, my soul waits,
     and in his word I put my hope.
My soul waits for the LORD
     more than watchmen wait for the morning,
     more than watchmen wait for the morning.
Psalm 130:5-6

Looking for a home

This is a strange season. I feel spiritually homeless without a church home. Every week David and I look at each other and say, Where are we going to church this weekend? I've never had to ask that question in my whole life. Bethel Church has been home to me since I was born.

We've been talking - David & I - about what we will be looking for in a church when we move south. I know there's no perfect church - no perfect pastor. I'm not looking for perfection. And, we probably won't be able to find everything on our list. (partly because we have some - eh hem - differing opinions on this subject...) Here are the characteristics - the qualities we're looking for in our new church.

1. Multi-generational. I love old people, but a church full of old people speaks of people who only care about themselves, who are not willing to make changes and adjustments to include younger families. It speaks of a church full of people who have not taken their responsibility to speak of God's faithfulness to the succeeding generations. On the other hand - I don't want a church that is comprise of ONLY young people - as refreshing as that may be for a time. David & I attended Mars Hill a couple of weeks ago. I looked around and thought, Where's the wisdom in this church? Who mentors all these young families? A church full of only young people speaks of the same inflexibility that a church of only old people does. It's all about me - my preferences, my likes and dislikes. I want to attend a church where there is respect and value for all the generations because that's what the body of Christ is supposed to look like.

2. Music of all genres is valued. This is David's #1. Music has always been important to us. I think we're both past the desire to do big musical productions like the Singing Christmas Tree (well I am anyway), but both of us love a worship service that incorporates "psalms, hymns and spiritual songs." A place where there is quiet reflection and joyous celebration; where a classical piece can be played or sung alongside a guitar-driven newly composed song; a place where the people on stage reflect the multi-generational value of the body of Christ.

3. Biblical preaching. There is nothing wrong with sermon series based on current topics. But I would love to sit under a preacher who simply opens the Word of God and talks straight about what God says. My concern for many churches is that we have created a "just add Jesus" gospel - where adding Jesus to your life makes things better, more convenient. Just add Jesus and you get into heaven - you don't have to do anything - change anything. You just add Jesus to your existing set of values and principles. The Jesus I see in the New Testament says that we trade our old life for His - we don't just add him to ours. He says we die to ourselves and take on a new life in Christ. I'm afraid we've missed that part.

4. Financially responsible. I don't want to go to a church that spends a disproportionate amount of money on it's building - and (dare I say it?) staff. Coming from someone who has taken a good paycheck from the church for over 20 years, this is a big revelation to me. I'm not opposed to paying pastors and I would love to serve on a church staff again at some point. I don't want to go to a church that borrows money to build buildings. I'd love to see a church that places value on caring for it's people - not the building or staff. A simple place where needs are met.

I have the feeling this church will not be a "mega" church. But that remains to be seen.

It feels strange to be "shopping" for a church. It would be simpler if we just went to the AG church in town. *sigh*

This is how it feels to be free...

OK - it's a bit of a joke, but really, free - that's pretty much how I feel right now. It's been just about two weeks since I had any responsibility at the church and I can't tell you how great it feels! (And yes - I mean that exclamation point!!!)

I wondered how this was going to feel. Would I grieve? Would I regret my decision? Would I long to be back in the fray of the church leadership world? So far the answer to all of those questions is a resounding, NO! (Another exclamation point!) I had a crazy dream the other night that I "forgot" I wasn't working at the church any more and showed up for staff meeting. No one seemed to notice, so I participated like normal. Then I went to my office and discovered that it had been painted with murals on every wall, and there were at least 3 people working there. I suddenly remembered that I didn't work there anymore. I laughed and walked out. It didn't even bother me that everything had changed. That's really how I feel. I know things are different now and (don't take this wrong) I don't care. I've shaken my head a couple of times at some of the changes I've heard about, but it just really does not bother me.

I get up every day with my own agenda and I love it. I may not love it so much in a few weeks when I start to feel the financial pinch, but right now I feel that it is a gift. I've been working hard on my writing for class (and I'd better get back to that right now...) and enjoying my family. I've been cooking dinner again (my husband likes that), I'm not spending nearly as much money on eating out and groceries. I've been exercising again and eating better. All in all, this has been the best decision I've made in a very long time.

Only God knows what the future holds. Maybe after a time I'll be ready to jump back into the church leadership world again. But so far I've loved just going to church (or not). I've completely entered into worship and engaged in the teaching. And when I go home, I take that feeling of peace home instead being exhausted and already thinking about all I have to do for the next week.

So Lord, what's next? Only He knows, but for now I'm going to completely enjoy this freedom.

These Fragile Days

I couldn't believe what I was seeing. Wade Lowrey, dead? There they were, the Facebook messages one after another expressing sadness and shock; yet each one laced with hope and joy. My friend Wade died last night. He was only 34.

Within one week I lost two dear friends - both of them under age 40. Much, much too young to die. At the same time, a tiny one week old baby is clinging precariously to life in a Seattle hospital and my 73 year old sister-in-law is living what appear to be her last days. My friend Jen at 83 is talking a lot about this lately. She suffered a small stoke a few months back and feels the tug of heaven more each day. I know she (not so) secretly wishes that Jesus would just carry her to heaven as she sleeps one night - I think it might just be God's humor to let her outlive all of us. 

I know that this earthly life is temporary. I know it, yet I don't always live that way. I've been thinking about what really matters in life so much these past few weeks. As I prepare to move from Chehalis and leave my dear friends at Bethel Church, I've weighed my words and thought much about what I want to say to each one. It's a little weird really - like preparing for your own funeral. So many kind words spoken. So many tears of good-bye. I'm thankful for this opportunity to say important things and to hear some as well.

This life is so short - these days so fragile.

"For to me, to live is Christ and to die is gain." These words were spoken by the Apostle Paul. We too live in this tension of longing to fulfill every moment of this earthly life that God has planned for us, yet also longing to see Jesus face. 

Until that day sweet friends. Live. Live every moment to the fullest. Don't waste one of these fragile days. 

A Successful Saturday

Finally a Saturday at home all day. What am I talking about? Finally a DAY at home all day with no where to go and no people to meet and no expectations except my own.
I drank coffee. I chatted with my son. I cleaned toilets. I checked Facebook and email. I attacked those darn, dead crocus leaves. (Why, oh why do we have so many? Oh - that's right - because I love them in March) I got one bed cleaned out and looked at the other, but listened to my aching back and went in the house. I drank about a quart of water. I checked email and Facebook. I threw in a load of laundry. I drank some more coffee. I ate an apple. I cooked the meat for spaghetti. I checked Facebook - again. I read the newspaper and turned the pages on my new Country Living magazine. (Does anyone actually read those?) I sat down and finally (after nearly 6 weeks) downloaded the rest of the books for the class I am supposed to finish in a mere 6 weeks. Only 800 pages left to read; a one page synopsis for each book (8 or 9 of them) an 8 page overview of the writer's conference I attended at the end of March, 3 query letters and 3, 2000 word articles to write. Yes. I can do this. I read one short book and about a 3rd of another. And now I feel inspired to write. What am I writing? This poorly written piece of nonsense that no one will ever read that's what. But I'm writing again and I think that's what matters.

My back and shoulders are killing me, but I'm going to write a paragraph on one of those assignments. Then I'm going to sit in the hot tub with my husband and get into bed all warm and relaxed and have a good night's sleep.

That's what I call a successful Saturday.

Today I was a goat

The last conversation I had with Amy was last Tuesday. She called because she needed help - lots of help. Her rent was past due and going up $50 every day she didn't pay it. Her kids needed diapers. She was out of contact lens solution. She had a court date the following week and couldn't pay her attorney. She was at her wits end. She claimed to have checked with every agency in town. I have no doubt that she did, but she had already exhausted all her options. She was hoping to get in touch with her Dad who had just returned from Afghanistan and could maybe help her with the attorney's fees. She was worried about losing custody of her boys - four and two. My heart broke for her.

I first met Amy two years ago when she came to me for some pastoral counseling. She had left her husband because of domestic abuse. She took her boys and drove to Utah to stay with family for a couple of weeks. When she returned, she was in trouble with the law for running with the kids. Unfortunately, she had never reported the abuse, so the court system did not believe her. She had no job and very little money. She moved in with a lady from our church who ended up kicking her out after a few weeks.

We helped her financially and she was finally able to get into a low-income apartment but her financial struggles did not end. She had back problems from working at Walmart, but was unable to get on SSI. He husband fought her over child support. Her car broke down repeatedly. She just could not get ahead. And Amy had a heart as big as all outdoors. When she did have a little, she shared it or gave it away.

She brought her kids to church as often as she could. The boys loved "Jesus' house." She loved Jesus too and wanted her boys to grow up loving Jesus more than anything. Whether we were able to help her or not, she was always kind and grateful for what we had done. At the end of every conversation, she always said, "I love you Pastor Vicki."

Those were her words to me last Tuesday afternoon when I told her we could not help her this time. After discussing her situation with our benevolence pastor and administrator and checking to see when we had helped her last, it was decided that we would not give her financial assistance this time. I felt like we should have done something - even if it was just a grocery card. But I called her and told her we could not help. She thanked me for all the help we had given her in the past and told me she loved me. Those were the last words I will ever hear her say. Amy died this morning of an apparent overdose.

My heart is broken and my mind is full of regret. See, I felt like our decision not to help at all lacked compassion. I thought we should have done something. But I did not fight for Amy. The worst of it is, I felt the Holy Spirit say, You could buy her some diapers and contact solution. I thought, Yes, I could. But then I didn't. I meant to, but I didn't. I put her and her problems out of my mind. In the end, it may or may not have helped. But I did not do what little I could. Now two little boys do not have a Mama and I will always wonder if a little kindness would have helped her somehow. The "church" didn't help her, but I could have.

I am grateful for the voice of the Holy Spirit in the middle of this tragedy. I know that I am forgiven, but I never want to forget this moment.

The Final Judgment

^{Matthew 25:31-46}

³¹ “But when the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit upon his glorious throne. ³² All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³ He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left.

³⁴ “Then the King will say to those on his right, ‘Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the Kingdom prepared for you from the creation of the world. ³⁵ For I was hungry, and you fed me. I was thirsty, and you gave me a drink. I was a stranger, and you invited me into your home. ³⁶ I was naked, and you gave me clothing. I was sick, and you cared for me. I was in prison, and you visited me.’
³⁷ “Then these righteous ones will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry and feed you? Or thirsty and give you something to drink? ³⁸ Or a stranger and show you hospitality? Or naked and give you clothing? ³⁹ When did we ever see you sick or in prison and visit you?’
⁴⁰ “And the King will say, ‘I tell you the truth, when you did it to one of the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were doing it to me!’
⁴¹ “Then the King will turn to those on the left and say, ‘Away with you, you cursed ones, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his demons.
  ⁴² For I was hungry, and you didn’t feed me. I was thirsty, and you didn’t give me a drink. ⁴³ I was a stranger, and you didn’t invite me into your home. I was naked, and you didn’t give me clothing. I was sick and in prison, and you didn’t visit me.’
⁴⁴ “Then they will reply, ‘Lord, when did we ever see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and not help you?’
⁴⁵ “And he will answer, ‘I tell you the truth, when you refused to help the least of these my brothers and sisters, you were refusing to help me.’
⁴⁶ “And they will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous will go into eternal life.”