Saturday, December 31, 2011

What Are You Doing New Year's Eve?

Well - here we are on the brink of another year. I just read my New Year's post from 2008. There have been some changes since that day. Here are a few:
Wedding #1 - Chris & Jana, June 5, 2010
Baby #2 - Adeline Rose, July 12, 2010
Wedding #2 - Tricia & Bobby, August 21, 2010
Ending of David's teaching career #2 in Onalaska, Washington.
Beginning of David's teaching career #3 in Rainier, Oregon.

Some changes, but so many things stay the same. I'm still in a job that alternately fulfills and frustrates me. (I suppose that could be said of any job...) I am still wishing and hoping for something "new". A new job, new house, new town... Yet at the same time a realistic look at those desires produces a nameless fear. I know (translate: control) the downsides of the old. Who knows what "new" might bring? So I stay. Some days I feel that it's the right thing - even the "spiritual" thing to do. My word for 2012 is FAITHFUL. I want to rest in God's faithfulness and to be found faithful no matter where I am or what I'm doing. I have some things to finish. Papers. Projects. A degree. A life. At the end of it all I want my life to count. Isn't that what everyone wants? To make a difference. To matter. To be faithful.

I received a beautiful gift from some dear friends for my birthday this year. Words of affirmation from dear sisters in Christ to read, re-read and cherish on the days when I feel insignificant, unimportant and worthless. I know my life matters to these dear ones. So why then do I still feel this empty space, this longing for...something?

My head tells me what I've told others. That space is for God alone. Fill it with His presence. Fill it with faith. Fill it with gratitude. Yes. I know. These things I will do with varying degrees of success because I know in my heart that they are right. Still the ache lingers.

Maybe I'm longing for something that will never be completely filled here. Maybe the longing is for the day when He will make all things new. Maybe the ache is a gift that keeps me reaching for Him - reaching for that day and not really expecting it to be filled here and now.

So, what I'm doing this New Year's Eve of 2011 is reflecting, planning, hoping and praying. Looking forward to a new baby - a little boy who promises to bring hope to a family that has been wracked by tragedy. Baby Caleb - may you be like your namesake - strong, courageous, a leader, faith-filled and faithful. Looking forward to all the beautiful, unexpected, hard, good, wonderful, terrible, breathtaking, heartbreaking, frustrating, fulfilling and God-orchestrated events, thoughts and feelings of a new year. I know He is with me and that makes the ache tolerable.